My therapist told me tonight in very direct terms that I need to stop cutting and I have to get rid of my knife. My first reaction was that I can't because it's my security blanket that assures me that when things get too triggered to handle I have a way to get instant relief and at the same time not express the anger to others, and so far it has been unmatched. He also told me I have to stop the self-hitting. That one doesn't seem as hard to give up, although hard when I am in temper nonetheless.

As far as alternatives or substitutes, I have tried the rubber band on the wrist as well as ice. He suggested exercising in the moment when the agitation is starting to build. We also discussed listening to music or watching it on YouTube.

All in all, I haven't found anything that provides the same myriad of "benefits" - relief, release, parasuicide, punishment, rebellion, etc. But I am going to make the effort and get rid of my knife because I want therapy to succeed. He explained that as long as I continue with SI, it will impede progress. And since the SI has only been intensifying along with suicidality (in thought and action), it is now time to set boundaries that cut them out. This would allow me to express what I am feeling in therapy where it belongs instead of literally cutting out the emotional pain.

I would be interested in hearing from anyone who went cold turkey like this or more gradually, as it is an addiction. At this point, I am not quite sure how I will get by without it but I want therapy to work and I want to actually recover someday.