My girlfriend asked me out on Valentine's Day. Prior to that day I had no interest in her. Our first date was an awkward one at a movie theater during which I would reply to her questions with single words or phrases, and whenever she tried to get closer to me during the movie I would lean away. She recently admitted that she was thinking of going to the restroom and never coming back. We started to get closer and it has been roughly one year and two months since we got together. We have exchanged I-love-yous and kisses and sex, and overall I would say that it is a good relationship.

She has a history of very bad relationships that have culminated in her having PTSD along with a few other conditions.. I have endured talks about her exes who she doesn't even call by name anymore, just a variety of epithets such as jackass and asshole. Asshole was physically abusive, and Jackass took advantage of her vulnerability after her breakup with Asshole. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll someday be reduced to a single insulting epithet. She thinks I'm amazing, and she has said that I am the best person for her and that she'll pretty much never love another person, but I don't value myself nearly as much. I am secretive and emotionally distant. Sometimes I'll be happy, and then for no reason I'll become possessed with a cold anger like what I imagine I would feel like if i was betrayed by someone I trusted. It lasts longer than five minutes, but less than an hour. I feel like I have reason when it happens, but in hindsight I am unable to identify one. Lately I have been feeling less and less attracted to her. I have been lashing out against her for no reason with bitter sarcasm, and have been avoiding kissing her because it just doesn't feel right.

Sometimes I will go through periods of time in which I feel indifferent towards pretty much everything including the relationship. During one of these periods I told her of some of my doubts (not nearly all), and she told me that if I wanted to breakup with her, she would accept it. Sometimes I think I do want to, but on the other hand I would never want to see her unhappy, and if I did break up with her, I would want to still be friends, but I don't know if she could handle that. Along with that, I can't even imagine myself outside of a relationship with her anymore.