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Originally Posted by indigo1015
Recently I've lost my faith in any ability I may have to bond with another person. I'd been chatting, texting, skyping with this guy for over 3 months, and we finally met in person last weekend (since we live so far away from each other, it was difficult to find a weekend that accommodated both our schedules). Seriously, I drove for 7.5 hours to get to his house (and the drive home was over 9 hours). I drove over the mountains which terrified me, and my car battery almost died on me. But I went because we were both so excited to finally meet each other, and after the first night, he told me he wanted us to start dating. I wanted it too, and the next few days were also great. For the rest of the week after I drove home, he seemed to be avoiding me, not texting or talking as often as he usually does. Last night (which was a rough night to begin with) I asked him about it. He started out by saying that he didn't think the long-distance relationship would work out. Although I agreed, I also felt very strongly that long distance wasn't why he really wanted to quit the relationship. So I asked him again what was going on, and he told me he didn't think our personalities worked together. I asked him in what way did they not work together, and he didn't give me any clarification. Needless to say, we broke up, and the rest of the conversation was not pretty.
You might wonder why it's such a big deal to me -- we'd only known each other for a few months, and had only just met in person. For right or for wrong, here's why I was so upset: first, I resented that he tried to BS me and just avoid the issue. I also resent that just because he's got a few hang-ups about this relationship (which he won't even explain to me), he's unwilling to even try to make the relationship work when we'd only just begun. And I know it's unfair to use this against him, but I resent that after making that drive to his place and back, simply to accommodate him, he doesn't want to take this any further. Also he set the stage for the relationship in the first place -- he told me he wanted to start dating. I realize it was stupid of me to fall for that, but if he had doubts or second thoughts, why'd he say that in the first place? I feel like I was just a good time to him, and I didn't understand why he wasn't being honest with me. Most of all, I feel like an idiot, because I feel that he royally screwed me over. Do I attract these types of guys? Why do I always date this type? Will I die old and alone? I'm 28, all my friends are either getting married, married already, or married/divorced with kids. I feel like a loser around them. And hey, I am not saying that I am perfect, or that I'm easy-going, or that I'm so incredibly desirable. I just ask for honesty, that's all.
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I am only here to make some comments as to your assumptions that are feeding your anger in the situation.
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first, I resented that he tried to BS me and just avoid the issue. I also resent that just because he's got a few hang-ups about this relationship (which he won't even explain to me), he's unwilling to even try to make the relationship work when we'd only just begun.
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In his defense you don't know if he already had the reservations. In a situation where a person comes to see you from a long distance, typically anyone would want to make the best of it and he may have enjoyed the time with you and thought his reservations were minor in the beginning. He too may have been caught up in the moment.. the excitement of having met you for the first time after being long distance.. etc clouding his vision while you were there.
He had time to ponder and consider all the facts in a less emotionally charged state after you left. Granted, it hurts, I'm not minimizing that but please don't write this guy off as having done something to you. The chance that it would work out were 50/50 as you had not met him yet.
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And I know it's unfair to use this against him, but I resent that after making that drive to his place and back, simply to accommodate him, he doesn't want to take this any further.
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You know this is unfair, so why think it? First off, were you obligated to be with him because you had made the trip? I think not, the tables would be turned if you were the one to choose that you dont' want to pursue this. Accommodating him is a stretch, it makes it sound like this was all FOR HIM... yet YOU wanted a relationship too. This was not just for him, you would have benefited from it also if you got together as a couple. This assumes you didn't have your own needs in mind here.
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Also he set the stage for the relationship in the first place -- he told me he wanted to start dating.
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I will agree that he shouldn't have jumped the gun on this and was probably impulsive in saying that. This was the biggest mistake I can see in the situation. What I see is a guy that was caught up in the moment, and after the excitement passed he rationalized why this would not work. and minimize it or not I am going to bet that the long distance factored into it even if he didn't push that.
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I feel like I was just a good time to him, and I didn't understand why he wasn't being honest with me. Most of all, I feel like an idiot, because I feel that he royally screwed me over. Do I attract these types of guys?
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I don't think so. that's not how I see it at all. Again I think he did enjoy your time but had time to think about it after the fact and like anyone he has the right to change his mind. Wouldn't you? If you had been all into it and thought about the reasons it wouldn't work out after the fact, would it be fair to say that if you change your mind you'd be screwing him over? You're not an idiot, relationships are hard, sometimes they work out, many times they do not. It doesn't make you an idiot for taking a chance, it makes you a person with courage and that's something to be proud of. He didn't screw you over whatsoever, try to remove some kind of blame off this situation as if he did something to you or what not. He took a chance with you too, give him that. Nothing in what you've said has alluded to the idea he was playing games at all.
Why was he not honest at first? it's hard when you know the other person is going to be hurt. I won't judge because I know there are many people out there that will try to soften the blow when they have to break up with someone and be honest. Give him that, it's human. It's not good nor right but most of us do this.
I'm not sure what "type" of guy you mean? In everything you've said it doesn't seem to me that he's any type of bad guy.. just one that didn't find that pursuing a relatonship with you. That doesn't make him bad, evil, mean or a player. It just is the way it is.
Honestly if he thought it was JUST a good time, 1, he would never have been with you for the MONTHS he was that's a lot of work and time to put into a single "good time". 2. A guy that is typically playing a game will not make the statement he wants to date and then very soon after break it off. No, he would either have sent you on your way after his good time, or he would be keeping up the "dating" idea for longer just so he could have more "good times" with you later.
I know you're hurt and I feel for you. I have been there and I know how hard it is, but in the beginning we tend to hate the person and pick at everything they've done til we're boiling over with anger, hurt and other emotions but the truth is after awhile we can see more clearly.
Hang in there.