Sometimes new and different can be so refreshing. We tend to get in a rut with the kinds of guys we like, so then we get in the same dead end relationships over and over again. At least thats how its worked for me.

That was what was different with my friend (still crushing, but gonna refer to him as a friend now, since I'm pretty sure thats what we are going to be, even though I still like him as more than a friend). Anyway, my friend, lets call him Sebastian*. Sebastian is totally different than any other guy I've gone for. What attracts me to him his sense of confidence. He's very proud of his accomplishments. He's very well educated. And in the past, I would have thought him to be WAY out of my league, so I would have given up from the start. I used to tend to gravitate towards the ones who were obviously insecure, because I was so insecure with myself, that I thought only the insecure ones would like me. Months ago though, after a conversation with a friend, I started to write down my ideals. Things I like in a man, things I need for myself in a man. Like confidence, ambition, intelligence, whitty humor, some concept of a higher power etc. Those are things that I need in a relationship for me to have a valuable sense of communication. Sebastian has all of that. He also has his insecurities, but when they show, I find them endearing, not a turn off. I'm attracted to the things he's shared with me, not only his successes, but his downfalls as well. And I like the fact that he's making a lot of changes in his life, trying to get things back on track. I like we have a lot of similar interests and that we can talk about more than just 2 things. I like the way I feel when I'm around him. And I like that I don't put myself down in regards to him. I don't tell myself I'm not good enough etc.

I don't know what prompted me to write all this in response to info about your guy. I guess I needed to spill it. Because you know what? I am disappointed that it appears I'm in the friend catagory. But its awesome that I get to have him in my life as a good friend.

I hadn't heard from him for a few days, so I called to check on him today and he's massively sick with a stomach bug. I so wished I could run over there and make him soup and comfort him. So yeah, I'm definetly still smitten, but I'm moving into acceptance that not everything turns out the way I want it to, at least not right now. Its so funny, I try to find reasons to be mad at him, to make this easier. Like, he didn't reply to my email, what kind of friend is that?? Then I find out he's sick and my heart melts. Ahhhh, why does he have to be so great? Ever had that happen where even things you don't like about someone just makes your feelings that much stronger?