Sounds like new dramatic change which will take its own time to grieve, etc. When you are 42 you'll get something else, equally obnoxious to deal with

I have a good friend who is mid- to late-40s and quadriplegic from having decided to dive off a bridge when he was 18, a bridge he'd dived off many times before only never before during low tide? Oops. So he's been dealing with stuff since then, it did turn his life around for the better actually, he was not on a good "grown up" path, all his many brothers being druggies, etc. and dying therefrom.

Lots of interesting conversation with/about him and how he coped at the time (he was married and his wife left him as a result, there's true love and support for you?) and his frustrations presently. He's literally wholly helpless and needs his last, unreliable brother to put him in/lift him out of bed each day and a woman who comes in to clean him and help with his care. I cannot imagine.

Can you may work to deal with your anger/fear/"mess" by talking to/counselling others having problems similar to yours? I know when I talk to other people, don't think so much about my predicaments, it is a little easier for me for some of the time. There's energy and ideas we can get from others that helps me. People who have accepted whatever I'm going through or something I think of as more difficult give me courage and a better feeling of support/backbone? I'm competitive and figure if they did it I probably can do it too.