For the past few weeks, I've been pretty dead inside. Can't really feel things. I naturally struggle with feeling things, a lot. Basically I experience a lot of fatigue/apathy and indifference.

But there are times when I just get sad. Sad about myself. My life. The people who were once part of my life and are no longer present.

I can't have functional relationships. I don't know what relationships are even about. All I know is that I feel alone sometimes. Life seems futile. And I feel very alone, unable to connect to anyone. When someone tries to get closer to me, I turn cold. And yet when they leave, I feel a void.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am really losing hope.

Life seems so messy and unfair. I don't want to be part of it. It hurts too much when I let myself feel things.

Everything hurts if I start thinking about it. So I don't. I just numb myself out. But these feelings are in me. They don't just go away; they eat at me from the inside.

I don't love myself. And I can't love other people. I can't feel other people's love. Love is simply not part of my life, and that saddens me, when I care to think about it.

What's the point? If I can never share that feeling of joy and happiness with someone. If I am unable to be in the presence of others, and unable to be by myself. What should I do to help myself? I've been stuck in this situation for so long. I cannot take this anymore. I don't want to continue to live my life this way, being so disconnected from everything and everyone.

And yet, I am terrified at the idea of letting someone in. I cannot handle dependency, but I cannot take separation or endings, either. It hurts too much. So I just detach myself and stay alone. After a while it feels familiar. Safe, albeit empty.

Life is a mystery. A scary thing.

I am afraid of living this life. I am afraid of feeling things. I am afraid of having desires and needs. I am afraid of everything. And it's becoming unbearable.

Thank you for reading.