I just looked in the mirror as I was dressing. Once again I have put all the weight back on that I lost. Immediately the feelings of hopelessness and depression hit home.

But why? who says I have to feel this way? My health otherwise is fine. Its that voice in my head that dictates to me how I should feel!

I mean I don't live my life looking in a mirror. My life isn't solely made up of what I look like on the outside. Anyways I mean unless i look down I'm not aware of it constantly. So why look down at it? Is that a form of reprimand?

Who is this person inside of me that won't just be kind to me, that picks out all my weaknesses and then attacks me with them?

So how does this voice think life would be perfect if I was completely happy with my appearance? Is that all this voice wants? Its no interest in who I AM, its only interest is controlling how I look?

How stupid but powerful is this voice? Looking in that mirror this morning I couldnt catch the words. Its so automatic, I look, I see I reject! I promise myself I will do this! I will be strong and powerful and get back the figure that will take away my internal pain.

But then what kind of life is that? Happiness dependent of outside appearences? What does being fat mean to me? That I am dirty and lazy and no good and stupid?

But having an acceptable figure tells me I'm good and smart and perfect? My head is all over the place right now! It says if you can't control your body you might as well die? WHAT! I wish I could be so secure in WHO I AM that I oculd accept myself "as is"

I'm fed up with this internal battle that fights its wars on my body.