Thank you, everybody, for your support. I'm really not feeling good about this, and yeah, it is bad timing. I have another month of therapy before he leaves, though.

Getting a referral to somebody else: while it would technically be possible, I assume, there are two problems. One is the fact that it took me the best part of a year to start to trust this T properly, and I have had some pretty bad experiences with Ts and other mental health people in the past. I really don't see how I could get anything out of seeing a substitute T two or three times over the summer. Which brings me to the second issue: there is really only one week in which I could possibly get an appointment with another T, and that's the first week of T's holiday. After that, it's Midsummer, then I'll be away for a week, and then it's July. And in July, Sweden is closed - I'm sure that the only therapists who work then are emergency type people, and there is no way I'd be able to find a T who worked for that whole month (plus, I think H might have a few weeks off then, which would make it impossible for me to go to therapy in any case). And in August, I'll be abroad for three weeks.

Concerning payment, I don't know that I'll have to pay, but I assume that I will, because that is his policy. I get free therapy, paid entirely by my taxes, twice a week. However, all cancellations cost money, regardless of how far in advance they are cancelled. I had to pay for a cancelled session in February which I told him about in December - and that was for a work conference, this is just a holiday trip. He has the same policy for everybody, and I am not going to try to get any extra favours (and it's not a lot of money - about US$ 25.)

Last summer, I wrote T paper letters and sent them to his office, twice during the summer. He sent me a txt to acknowledge that he received the first one. That actually helped quite a lot. But now things are a bit up in the air about my contacting him between sessions - I honestly don't know whether he thinks that I've done it too much or not. If I were in a real crisis I could contact him, I know that, but if I'm merely incapable of dealing with the pain that exists only inside my brain, I don't think it's ok for me to reach out to him. I have to try to bring this up with T soon, because it bothers me.

Thank you. I am mad at him for abandoning me.

And maybe I can talk to him about working out some kind of plan for how I'll cope. I just hate to display my neediness.