I just come back from T. Something on this forum had set of some deep feelings in me. The "keep posts supportive" threat hit a nerve with me. I told T that there is a side of me she hasn't seen yet. I described how unsupportive I am and how i have little tolarence for others.

I said about here and how I see some people all posting huggy and lovey dovey posts and I can't. I said how I look at my dog and just want to push her down all the time. This anger inside me builds!

T said dont you think other people feel they just want to "kick" (figure of speech) the dog? I said no, she asked if I didn't think maybe that other people do indeed have these thoughts but are just in denial?

I said I dunno, maybe but I have to say it the way it is! and she asked me why saying it as it is isn't supportive? I said I dunno, I just feel different.

I said like I feel at times saying to people "oh get real and don't waste my time" T said didn't I think in her personal life these are thoughts she has also? that in her professional role they have been trained out!

I was so pleased to hear that, she said that I have idolised her and put everything that is good in me, into her. I can't see that yet. She said I've taken everything bad and put it in me and put anything good about me into the "outside"

She talked some more about how some people may "appear" supportive but are infact covering up their own "bad" parts as we all have good and bad.

But I said I can't seem to find anything in me. But then I had to compare my real life to online life. I do have people that choose to talk to me about problems, so T said they must find me supportive? Its different online, the conversations are 2D you can't get a good even flow going. What you say is left their for hours for all different interpretations, where a IRL 3D conversation ebbs and flows.

I then told her how I notice when I enter our room I push her cushions away and with one finger push the kleenex box away and then I put my hand up toward her and said I push you away as well.

I told her I dont understand what I am saying now but I know it hurts. I said I feel to keep you I have to keep you at bay? T said that I feel if I allow her in, I will destroy her.

Yes thats it, it hurts. I,m afraid I destroy everything good. I post in a thread and I feel I've destroyed any good posts in there.

Maybe I'm not so bad, maybe I just misunderstand myself.

I'm tired now, to many tears.

bye bye