In terms of separation with my ex, I've been really proud of myself. I've resisted a lot of temptations, I've learnt from my mistakes and applied them for my life. Such examples, include, cutting off contact by blocking on social media, deleting relevant numbers off my phone, trying to be busy, resisting the temptation to stalk online, talking to my friends about it. It works. it really does. PsychCentral has been nothing but wonderful and helpful. I've never once tried to initiate contact with my ex, no matter how strong the temptation is. It was always he who found a way to contact me, and it was those times that broke me down, when I'm trying to hold it all together. I don't think he will, or can contact me anymore, since I recently blocked him off on a lot of communication methods.

However, feelings are coming back. The feeling of missing him. Jealousy on how he might do so much more better than me in life. He's going to change, move on, I've heard he's got a girlfriend already, studying hard for his future, be a better person, while I'm just stuck here reminiscing about the past and feeling resentful like a bitter ex girlfriend. Believe me, I've tried to not be one. I've tried so hard and got so far. But sometimes I don't know why, maybe I haven't completely moved on. I hate that.

Maybe it's because after our schooling days together last year, he still hurt me so badly and then kept contacting me for the next few months until this year April on and off. I've felt a mixture of feelings on and off....and it was difficult. It's been about a month since he last contacted me. I think it's the on/off thing that keeps killing me over and over again, like Prometheus, his liver regenerated over and over again just to have a crow dig into his body alive and eat his liver again and again....

The breakup was almost two years ago. I've run out of methods. Maybe I'm pushing the blame, but sometimes I just feel like maybe I shouldn't have let him in after the breakup. Series of complicated awkward avoidances and conversations in a vicious cycle of good interlaced with bad memories (mostly bad) JUST MAKES IT HARDER, even if you weren't together anymore. He's bad for my health.

I'm gonna break down tonight. I don't know how to cope anymore.

Thanks for reading.