Well something triggered me bad about 2 hours back, the reason really is irrelevant… apart from it put into question how I felt about me… I then started getting anxious, started having huge self doubt. Was at work at the time and I had to just keep going, keep so calm on the surface… not let it seep out as if it did, it would be a possible explosion of anger, verbal dribble but most likely complete withdrawl.

During this time the wife called, and even then I was managing and repressing like crazy the urge to just break down… and it was not exactly an unstressful call.

Apparently I hung up on her (didn’t know I’d done that, thought I’d stayed calm and polite throughout).

On the way home the stress started to mount up… am I really depressed? If I was depressed I wouldn’t be able to go to work, I wouldn't get angry, if I was depressed I wouldn’t have bursts of energy, determination, the ability to fight those stupid ****ing thoughts… I know at least one person who looks at me in disgust because I’ve had time off… I’m sure others think I’m just lazy, incompetent… that the times when I’m so slow at my job or my attention is wavering all over the place… I’m just a bone idle ****wit.

Then there was that bloody dumb moment when I became angrily vindictive… that I could just end it… and that would show them! That would prove that I wasn’t just making all this crap up.

Thankfully, what I guess is the part of me that cares brought me back to ground level…. That 1. That would be so unbelievably stupid… that 2. You’re not the sort of person that leaves notes (never have before), so they wouldn’t bloody know anyway (and even if they did… would it really bother them… they don’t like you so good riddance to bad rubbish) and 3. The only people you’d hurt are those that support you, take time to be there for you and have stuck by you despite being such a selfish, self absorbed arsehole during the times that are bad.

The other thing that brought me down was the wife… I got home, still really highly strung… secretly glad she’d be home as it would be so much harder to do anything dumb with her around… and the first thing she said was ‘bye honey, just nipping out to the retail park to get dog food’… to which I snapped ‘fine, whatever’

It just slipped out, I immediately apologised and said that I was in a bad spot at the moment (it is our agreement that I tell her if things are bad… 1. So she is aware, as I have a poker face when it comes to my emotions and she just can’t read me half the time and 2. So it grounds me in a way, makes me realise that I have to be careful… I mustn’t lash out at others… and likewise, gives her the cue not to throw lots of stress at me).

Well, she stood there for a minute… I kept saying ‘it’s fine, I’m alright… just go’… and then she came over, hugged me and ordered me to tell her all about it. I said that it was so stupid, irrelevant and that she wouldn’t understand, but she didn’t care… told me to say anyway.

It has calmed me down… I am feeling better… less inclined to do anything… which would be hard as she’s decided to not go out now anyway -.-

As such, thought I’d write and share… not sure why… but this is the kind of crap I face quite regularly… it does confuse me, I do have lots of self doubt as to what is wrong with me… can only guess the above had a lot to do with anxiety… and then that leads to misery, shame and hating myself (especially if I go into panic fight/flight… which with me is normally on the fight side :/)

Just relieved… and primarily drained. Probably going to be another very early night.