Recently I've been riding this wave of positive change. Specifically, changes to the way I think of myself. Having grown up in the 80's with untreated ADHD I struggled with socialization, communication, and self acceptance. I grew up in an age when bullying wasn't a big deal. In fact, a lot of people thought that a bit of teasing was good, made you a little tougher. During the 80's and 90's I felt like such an outcast and failure. I experimented with drinking and drugs. For a while I experienced anorexia and bulimia. I was constantly unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. I wanted to fit in and find where I belonged. I made radical changes to my hair wrestling it into styles it was never meant to be in so I could fit in, visited tanning booths and beaches in order to change my complexion, and I made radical changes to my wardrobe on almost a monthly basis. Basically, I tried on many hats and none of them fit me well. I would often be told that I'm a chameleon.

Fast forward to today. I still struggle with communication and socialization. I still second guess myself. The difference is, I've accepted the fact that I'm a square peg who is expected to fit into a round hole. I am told that at 42 years old I shouldn't be wearing a crochet floppy hat, it isn't socially acceptable. I've been told that at 42 years old I should be in the process of climbing some career ladder, after all, retirement is right around the corner. I've also been told that at 42 years old I should possess charm, grace, and finesse. Well, guess what? I wear such hats because I like the way they look. I'm not climbing a career ladder simply because I get bored easily. And, sometimes, ok, most times, I lack finesse. I'm blunt, deal with it.

I've decided (for the most part) that the second half of my life is not going to be ruled by trying to fit in. Don't get me wrong, I still desire acceptance and I want to be liked but not if it comes at the expense of changing some part of who I am or "faking it in order to make it" as the saying goes.

I haven't quite figured out what's changed within me. Is it my age, the medications, or the social changes that have taken place from the 1980's till now? I'm only sad that such realizations couldn't have come to me sooner in life.