I think the thing that is driving my confusion is trying to live up to an expectation of others, to “make up” for being gone in the first place. If I move again then I look like I’m leaving all over again and not being stable. The guilt of the past and the obligation I feel to be here just to not look “unstable” anymore is more of a driving force than what is actually “best” for me and my son.

I think my ability to make a clear choice is shadowed by that guilt of the past and that feeling of obligation to do what others think I should do, to be what everyone thinks I should be. To not “appear” unstable, to prove to every one that I am stable. The decision to move again is hard to make because I’m scared of what others will think.

I’m scared of getting there and wonder how long before I find something wrong with the new place I’m in and want to move again. I know in my heart that I don’t like it here in this town, it’s not where I want to raise my son, but is where I’m planning to go any better or will it be made worse by leaving those again who have wanted me here for so long, those who expect me to be here.

A pros and cons list has not helped me to sort out the emotional impact my decision will have.