I see it as having no choice. As a fight... that to crack is the very worse place I can be in and that I must avoid, repress, find any technique I can to stop it from happening.... that to do otherwise could jeopardise so much for me... security, my job, my marriage and I guess primarily, my sanity.

I know how easy it would be for me to just flip out and let it all go to crap... and that for that to happen would be scary and very much life changing.... and that I don't want the stress of the damage control that comes after... the looks, opinions and overall behaviour that I would get from others.

It's hard work... but it's what I do to get by and manage.