Warning: The first part of this message isn't encouraging, but at least you'll see that I completely understand how you feel. I included what I think is good advice at the end of the message.

I feel the exact same way, and I recently decided I'm not going to have kids, and I never again want to be involved in a romantic relationship. I've wanted kids more than anything, since I was 6 or 7 years old. When I first realized that I don't see how there's any way I can be a good mother, I thought there was no reason to go on living. Not in a depressed sort of way - just a rational realization. I also considered the possibility of passing bipolar on to my kids. I couldn't bear to bring someone into the world who would suffer like I have. And on a more selfish note, I just know it would kill me (figuratively) to see someone I love so much suffer so badly. I see what my mom goes through, emotionally, because of me, and she isn't even bipolar.

Then I googled, "What's it like to be in a relationship with someone bipolar", and I was horrified at the results of the search. Of course the sites about bipolar tell you it's possible to have a fairly healthy relationships, but the responses from individuals who've actually been there were very discouraging. The #1 word used: "RUN!" Another one: "nightmare". Almost no positive responses. I was so upset after reading all that.

Anyway, I was finally able to let go of my dream of having kids. Surprisingly, it was somewhat of a relief to be rid of that pressure and that conflict within myself. The thing that made it bearable is that I realized I might be able to be content with devoting my life to something else. I think my life would have meaning if I can find a way to help others, in any way possible. I wouldn't let myself get close to anyone, but I'd still have people in my life. I'd be helping them, instead of them worrying about me and trying to help me, only to feel helpless and disappointed.

I don't know if I would be able to feel hope like this if I wasn't on medication, and that's the good news I want to share with you. About a year ago, I finally accepted that I'm bipolar. I've been on lamotrigine (brand name of Lamictal) since then. I felt the difference the day I started taking it, which was really surprising to me. I still have my ups and downs, but I haven't experienced that extreme despairing low since I'm been on these meds, and I'm rapid-cycling. I (and other bipolar people) am fortunate that lamotrigine has become an option, because it's the only other med to come along that's as effective as lithium, and lithium can be harmful to your health in some ways. Lamictal has very mild side effects compared to ssri's and other similar meds (I tried many antidepressants before I was diagnosed as bipolar, and they were all bad experiences). Even the side effects I did experience with lamictal are all gone by now. Some disappeared quickly, and others took a while.

I know you can't afford the meds, but that's the best news I have for you. I went to dshs after I lost my job, and they referred me to a "prescription assistance coordinator", who helped me apply for a program called "Bridges to Access". Through that program, the manufacturer of Lamictal (Glaxo-Smith-Kline?) will send you free meds. They send it through the mail, in 3 month quantities at a time. I was approved for free meds for a year, and I think that's the standard.

You will still need a psychiatrist (psychologist? I always forget which is which) to write you the prescription. My family is actually pretty poor, but my mom took money out of her retirement savings to pay for the psychiatrist visit. I think it was less than $200. It was more than worth it to her for the possibility of the meds helping me. I only had to see him once to get the prescription.

It might seem disappointing that I still don't think I'd be a good mother, even on these meds, but I might be wrong about that. I'm still working on developing the coping skills and good habits that I wasn't able to even start to learn before the meds. I might get to the point at which I decide I'll be able to healthily raise children after all. I'm just not counting on it because I need to find something else to devote my life to, just in case I never get there. If it happens, it happens, but I don't want to feel that anxiety of always being aware of my biological clock ticking away.

So the take home message of all this is: Get on meds! It is truly the best thing that's ever happened to me. It sounds like you have a supportive fiance, and I can think of ways that a person like that can help to take things over a little when you're going through the bad times. I don't think anyone who isn't bipolar can ever truly understand, but I don't think it's a good idea to be in a relationship with another bipolar person. I've heard of that working out, but it just seems like a bad combo to me. Personally, I need an emotionally strong and stable "rock" as a partner, to allow a relationship to work at all.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps in some way. I have a huge problem with not being able to write anything brief and concise. I personally enjoy reading long comments, so I hope you do too.

Good luck, and know that there are people who understand, and also that there is hope.

Kelly