Hi, first post. I need to vent or something. Not in a good spot. And I’m usually not one to whine and complain. Ugh.

Today was a bad day. The past few days have been close, too. I can’t remember how many. I go to work, I do what I have to do. I try to mask it. I spent like 8 hours straight working on a song last night (I’m an electronic music producer) - felt like I was going nuts but couldn’t seem to stop for the night to relax. Every time I tried to chill and watch TV, I’d pause the show after a couple minutes. I don’t get it. Overboard, but with good results.

Today I felt the depression get ready to take hold about an hour or 2 after waking. Maybe earlier, I don’t know. Very negative thoughts just flood and take over. Focused on all the sh***y things I’d been through this year, being mistreated by people and in relationships, my stand-still life, big dreams I hadn't been able to accomplish and now just don’t care about. Argued a bunch over text with the girlfriend. Felt bad about that - its me being stupid, harping on ****. Felt hollow and hopeless, more and more. Read about my AD, it still isn’t working on week 6. Maybe it needs more time. I don’t want another type to try because they make me feel unlike myself and I can’t function in the sack! That brings on a whole other level of unhappiness and disappointment, as if there’s room for it in my brain and life. Kept thinking about swallowing all my ADs - I know I wouldn’t do that though. I’m not thinking clearly, but at least I’m aware of that much. It’s just a fantasy.

My mother was worried when I got in from work. Said she could see how bad I was today. Later I saw my girlfriend, I explained it wasn’t anything personal and she cried for me. I’m a nuisance to everyone and it’s embarrassing. Everyone who knows me well enough, that is. I used to be a rock. Da fuq happened?? I even started to shed a tear and my voice got all shaky when I told my mom not to worry. I haven’t shed a tear in 7 years, when one of my best buds died. Didn't cry though. Had to take a benzo before leaving the house because I felt all messed up. Sometimes a tiny bowl helps reset my mind for a bit. It’s probably counteractive, or maybe not. I feel the same when I’m sober. I read all the internet crap about weed I dunno. Kinda seems to help chill me out and reset. Treated me well over the years. I only smoke a tiny amount at a time, no big joints or anything.

Before the ADs - when I got the balls to go see a doc - I just blazed constantly to try and take my busy, negative, anxious and irritated mind off whatever was infesting my head that moment. I just read something about depression being glamorized in the media. How the f*** is this glamourous? I realize my thoughts are not really flowing well as I write this, but whatever. Just wanted to get it out where it exists somewhere other than my head. They say a lot of the best artists are crazy...I guess that’s a silver lining? Lol...

I want a formal diagnosis from a psych doc. That’s gotta happen soon...my GP recommended it, but I initially denied. Stupid me, always prolonging the inevitable.

Thanks for reading my novella.