Again, I'm here in total shock. After more than ten months, I finally got to have an encounter with my husband (or soon to be ex-)... I'm devastated: he went further telling me how happy he is now, happy as never before... before both of us being together. But, hell, we have three beautiful and successful adult children. It seems to him that the children are the only positive thing worth after more than thirty years of relationship, almost 28 married. This is terribly shocking and painful to me; it's like he doesn't remember anything positive between us: now he says he was always unhappy and asks himself how he could last so long with me. I feel empty, totally emasculated, like all the relationship was a fraud, and worse of all, that the children are the product of a fraud! He is happy, glowing, full of himself, telling me how it is possible that I'm stuck in this mood since a year already went by... I cannot believe his utterly lack of sensitivity! Moreover, he told me that I should do as if he died in an accident... forgetting than a divorce in this circumstances is worse than death like a widower friend told me: ''Against death, you cannot do anything, but a divorce is worse because your husband leaves you willingly, and like in your case, he didn't give you any chance: he decided for both of you. Moreover, in death at least you inherit everything, in a divorce, everything gets divided between you two and the lawyers.'' Wise words. I cannot relax, I'm totally shocked going back to our beginning and trying to picture him unhappy ... I cannot bear the utterly shock of trying to wrap my mind around him being unhappy for the whole time that we were together!!!! I think this is a full blown midlife crisis: he is alone, happy as a clam, glowing, enjoying the attention of his younger peers, and the new opportunities that in his mind I negated him. I'm in such state of disbelief that I'm not sure how I'm writing this post. Moreover, I found out that his lawyer convinced him in not getting a restraining order against me because he was fed up with my emails, the only means of communication (no phone calls, no Skype nor chat because he blocked me after leaving the house and told me that he could accuse me of harassment). You can imagine how terrified I was if he contacted the authorities, so I continued emailing him figuring that at least I was giving him the option of opening the email or not. The shock I'm under right now is so big that I cannot relax to go to bed, it's like I'm paralyzed, feeling cold and dry... I already scheduled an appointment with my therapist to begin processing this totally unbelievable news... Please, please, I welcome any kind of comment trying to offer a bit of insight about what's going on... This man, my soon to be ex- is not the man he was a year and a half / two years ago. I cannot believe yet this is happening to me. Worse, I cannot believe yet that I have had pleasant dreams with him! That I keep thinking about him, how he would like such and such, or this meal, or that new thing in the house... This is totally sick, right?