I didn't go home like I said I might in my last post (from many months ago). I stayed and fought off my depression as best as I could. I'm feeling better now that the weather is improving but I'm struggling with anxiety. I feel trapped all the time. The only way I don't feel trapped is if I drink when stressed - which I cut back on due to money and required effort (moved away from bars) - or if I shut down. I slack at work, that's what keeps me going. If I break my back like I used to, I am dead inside before the work week ends. Mentally, I hurt from constant mistreatment. Physically, I can barely move my legs.

Don't get me wrong, I still go out of my way to help people. I'm precisely where I need to be at various times throughout the day. I offer additional help. If I get through my own work, I ask for more. I just don't push as hard. I just keep busy.

My problem is that...I seem to be the only one with a heart here. My fiance's family - we got engaged in April - is religious but very cold. As long as they are happy, life is good. They are only generous to people who are like them so that leaves me and my heathen fiance out. They've started numerous fights with us, insulted us, made our lives harder...and yet I can't bring myself to be selfish without feeling terribly guilty which does not help my anxiety.

See, they saddled him with $60k in debt. He's not legally tied to it and the repayment options were specifically designed for parents, not for grads. Most grads would be crushed under these circumstances. When we asked if they would contribute a little money to our wedding - not much, we're keeping our guest list under 50 - they said no, we don't condone you living together before marriage, there will be no forgiveness, we feel no familial obligation...but we'll still come and eat free food.

As tempted as I am to say, "Screw you, pay your own stupid loans" I feel guilty. I have this habit of taking everything upon myself despite being an immoral agnostic, incapable of any goodness. My conscience nags me more than theirs does.

I'm hopefully starting grad classes in the Fall and getting married in the Spring of 2015. No aid is expected from his family. No sympathy, no love. This eats at me. I don't know if I can be so callous even though necessity seems to call for it. We can't foot the bill for my loans and the wedding and their loans all at once. And it's dishonest to have them come and pretend to be close when they think we're evil.

I'm not sure how to cope. The only reason I'm okay for tomorrow is because I drank tonight. It was that or anxiety and the latter does not make for a good day.

I'm sorry to have rambled, I have so much on my mind. =(