Quote:
Originally Posted by soccerdad
Not a very fair post. I haven't slagged her off and I am not currently having an affair. I find it amusing that in the world we live in if a woman has an affair everybody wonders what her man isn't giving her. If a man does then he is automatically assumed to be an asshole. A man should be supportive if his wife gains weight but a man also should get off his lazy butt and stay in shape.
I come on here looking for advice and a sounding board but I get a lot of "suck it up and deal with it like a man". I want to save my marriage and a good part of the sentiment is quit whining. This is the overwhelming majority in society so is it any wonder that men cheat and/or leave? A mans job is to be a good husband and provider. A wife's job is what? Too make her husband happy? No that is to 1950's. If you look at the current idea of marriage basically a womans job is to be married. It is acceptable for a married woman to have single male friends, not work, gain weight, go on trips with their girlfriends etc etc. None of these are considered acceptable for men. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but If I were to gain 100lbs her friends would have no issue with telling me to stop being such a slob or to go out and get a job. Could you imagine what would happen if my buddies took that liberty with my wife? Its a bit of a double standard isn't it.
Beyond all that when a relationship goes south it is generally public perception that its the mans fault. I accept blame in this situation but I refuse to accept more than my due. All these issues mentioned in my posts happened or began happening before my affair. The weight gain happened before as well so I'm thinking that it wasn't from low self-esteem from my affair.
We are working on our marriage and as an update she has lost 15lbs and has started doing her hair every day because she wants to be more "girly" for me (her words). She has also stopped yelling at the kids and is making a conscious effort to not interrupt me when we are talking and to listen to what I have to say. These are good first steps to me but I wonder if they are in time or if it is too late. I love her and I always will. I know that for a fact. the problem is I don't know what kind of love I have for her anymore.
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i couldn't agree with you more, the double standard in today's society is dangerous and indeed it is destroying the very fabric of the institution of marriage.
i must admit it has taken great courage for you to reach out for help,
especially in the face of adversity and have to put up with people living in glass houses throwing stones at you, kudo's to you for taking the high road and keeping calm in the face of ignorance and disrespect..well done.
it takes a lot of class not to stoop to the level of your attacker and i must say i am proud of you, well done soccerdad, well done. i do believe the purpose of this forum is to help people when they are having problems and not bash them or berate them with ignorant comments, half truths , assumptions and one sided arguments. taking one person's side and not being objective never helps or solves problems,,it is more than obvious that the both of you guys are at fault..shifting the blame to only you or to only her is uninformed at the least and blatantly ignorant at the worst.
it is a shame that people would come on this forum and berate someone because of their personal beliefs or take out their own past personal demons on someone that is genuinely seeking help..shame on anyone that would do that..i say this because how many other people that may be reading this forum that may be in a similar situation may now be afraid to reach out for help for fear of being crucified??
all of us make mistakes, even myself..( probably more than any of you guys..hee hee) but our mistakes make us wiser, stronger, and more intelligent
so for those that are throwing bombs at you as if they are somehow perfect and above reproach..pay them no mind soccerdad, you have done the right thing to come and seek for help in a difficult time in your life, and for anyone that would trounce on you while you are down SHAME ON THEM and not you.
you have nothing to be ashamed of..marriage is a 2 way street..you cannot be expected to do all the work, relationships are give and take and teamwork.
one person cannot do all the work and expect for it to last, it takes two people to make a marriage work..and i am glad to see you guys are making progress, but your wife needs to put in some effort too..it cannot be just you. nevermind all this crap about "your wife this, your wife that and i feel sorry for your wife" i care about both of you guys happiness and hope for the best for BOTH of you. it's not just about your wife..you are in the marriage too, i think one of the other posters doesn't realize that.
so with that being said, NONE OF US ARE PERFECT..so none of us have the right to judge or throw stones..we all make mistakes and we have all done wrong in our lifetimes..so yes you deserve forgiveness & whatever you have done wrong is up to your wife to be the judge NONE OF US! she is the one that is married to you in the end it is her call...it was looking bleak when i posted before..i do hope you guys can work thing out & keep us posted! good luck soccerdad...good luck!
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I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
