i used to look up my Therapist on facebook all the time and She knows i used to do this and knows i am in love with Her. Then i deleted my facebook account a couple months ago because i never used it but also because i looked Her up so much and i didn’t want to do it anymore.

On Tuesday i made a fake facebook account with a fake name and only use it to look Her up on facebook. My Therapist is on vacation right now for two or three weeks, but i probably would have done this eventually anyway. i am surprised i never did this sooner. The only things visible on Her account were Her profile picture (which I couldn’t click on) and Her cover photo (which I could click on). So i clicked on the cover photo and was able to see who commented on it and who liked it. A man had commented on it and he was also with Her in Her profile picture. So i clicked on the man’s profile and it was much more visible than Her profile. There were lots of photos of Her on his account and She had commented on a lot of photos and statuses of his. i looked at almost everything i could. It didn’t take long to find out that the two of them are getting married this week, and it is probably the reason She took the vacation time off.

i am devastated. i have been crying a lot and just feel dead. i am happy for Her because She is happy and all i’ve ever wanted is for Her to be happy but at the same time i am so sad. i feel so selfish and like such a bad person for feeling so sad about this. i feel so bad for my feelings about this. i feel like everything is over. There is no point to anything. i have done a lot of bad things in my life, and this is my punishment. i haven’t told anybody because nobody can help me. They all will just say you’re only 20, there are other girls, don’t worry, you’ll find a girl your own age someday, etc. But i’ve never had a girlfriend before. Never even close. And there is no reason to ever think i will. My Therapist is different than everyone else. She is the reason i am alive and i love Her.

i see Her again on Friday, May 30. i don’t know how i can bring this up and talk to Her about it. i have a feeling She wouldn’t be that surprised. i don’t want to hurt Her feelings or make Her sad or maker Her mad or make Her uncomfortable. But i need to tell Her everything. i need to tell Her i want to die. i need to tell Her i have to die. i need to tell Her i deserve to die. i need to tell Her it’s my fault. And i need to tell Her congratulations, and that even though i am so sad, i am happy that She is happy, She seems to have a really cool family.

Also, i saw my other Therapist on Wednesday and never brought this up. i was crying a lot but told her i couldn’t tell her why and that i couldn’t tell anybody why. i cried in front of my parents and didn’t tell them why too. And i finally am going to listen to my Therapists and start taking brintellix (medication) and doing all the homework my Therapists have been giving me. If the medication doesn’t work (it hasn’t worked in the past) my Therapists will probably want me to go to a program. i definitely don’t want to live anywhere besides home so living away is off the table. Also i would still at least want to continue to see my original Therapist (the one that is getting married) anything that would interfere with that is also off the table.