I don't think I will be getting medical treatment. I don't really want to and the person I am living with believe I can become better without it. Part of me don't want to go through the last 2 years again with doctors and therapist and the huge part is there is nothing near me and having no money. I was so active in the beginning of the week looking for medical help, but the whole day of sleeping the other day and feeling hopeless with unknown future and nightmare of my family abandoning me...got me all lost again.

I really have no idea. I am so lost in Texas. I made a mistake coming here for trying to make my life better. I didn't make a mistake moving in with the friend who took me in. I like being with her. But when I came here, I didn't realize how my depression might effect her children and family. I think I might be writing same things over again. What I made a mistake is that I...sorry, I had to take a cig break. The family I am living with is kind to give me cigs, but I want to quit. It helps, I guess, for now with my emotions.

I tried very hard in life not to get depression again, but it keeps coming back. I tried very hard with my own family, my marriage and work. All these things I have failed. My family kicked me out of their lives, my ex-husband left me and within short period found the love of his life and my career is gone. I tried. I try to learn and make myself better and tried to problem solve all the issues that came into my life. I read tons of self help books and got medical and therapy help. And yet, I am at this point where I have nothing, but the kindness of my friend. This is why I say this is my last shot. I am so tired. I tried so hard and I made a lot of mistakes that I don't even know about.

I came to live here with my friend in Texas because I believed being close to someone who really loves you will make all the difference. But i just feel really alone because I can't move around freely here and I don't know anyone else. In ny, I had friends, but they weren't this close like her. NY, I knew places and some people. If I wanted to see doc, I knew where to go. Though Medicaid was taken from me, I could of gotten it again, but that would of been a lot of hassle. It just wasn't working out in NY. I couldn't find a real job. People told me I wasn't working hard enough looking for a job. My friend here, gave me a job working at her company but I don't get paid because they aren't doing well. But even though, they are going through a lot of hardship, they took me. And on top of it, I can't do the job which is causing me great stress. I am a failure all around because I should be able to lift myself up because I'm a able body.

I guess, I am just going on and on about it, but I can't solve this problem that I feel stuck...even though I am not.

I know I am very lucky that I have a place and I'm not on the street. I feel very lucky and not deserving of this bed my friend allows me to sleep on. I just want to solve my problem and just do it..and succeed in something.

I just don't know why I failed at almost everything. This is my real depression. It's not just in my head. It really happened. I never ever thought that my life would be like this. Every time, I think it can't get worse, it does. Though I do see the positive things that have happened and I'm grateful for them. I really am. Whatever might have happened, I'm really grateful for my friend.