TrueMe:
Ok, firstly, thank you for such a supportive and kind reply, not to mention helpful too.

I'd like to apologize for the long post in advance.

Well...I've been working on this for almost two years now. Trying lots of methods to move on, trying to be nice to my ex at school, doing my best to hold everything together at school, and I've learnt quite a few things in the process. So perhaps that's why I am "very aware of who I am and where I'm at." Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track while moving on.

I'm just so tired of absorbing this stuff you know? For two years, it's always been me trying to move on. Whatever he did that hurt me in any way, directly or indirectly (please excuse my rather blunt words as everything here is from my point of view, but of course, there's multiple sides to every story, in this case, my ex might have his own view of things, but I guess it doesn't matter for now) I always tried to imagine the WORST possible scenarios and then put myself and just keep hurting myself emotionally, thinking about those scenarios of him moving on and becoming better and better (in terms of pretty much everything) and then I'd die alone. Nobody wants me because I don't know how to love and deserve it. I absorb all that in again and again, so whatever he did in the future cannot hurt me anymore. If that makes sense. For example, at school, a month after the breakup, I heard that he likes someone who is I think his current girlfriend, and (before anything could happen between them) I'd imagine them together living happily and I'd just disappear off the face of Earth. I'll think about that scenario over and over again till I'm numb, until I no longer feel unhappy. I'll keep on absorbing the bad stuff until I become numb. That's the best I can ever do, numb.

I've tried to be happy for him. I've tried to be a good friends. I've tried to not hurt him. In the end, I was strong enough to break it off completely, and now I feel miserable. AND NOW I GOTTA ABSORB THIS new thing. It's like I can't seem to be happy anymore. My life will be centred around him in some way. I know it's all in my mind, I just can't escape it. I'm rather pessimistic, ever since that life-changing experience. Maybe I'm taking myself too seriously. Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe I think too much.

Maybe I need help.