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AmysJourney · May 15, 2014, 09:01 AM

"Day #22

Hello everyone,

today started out VERY good! I received a care package with all the necessary things to make me happy from a very special PC member (I love you very much! And Thank you!!):

I had a restless night, struggling with the repercussions of yesterday, so receiving this special gift magically put a smile on my face and my stomach. (Oh yes, my stomach surely can smile!)
It made me go all fuzzy and warm inside and I realized once again, how wonderful people can be and that there is so much compassion out there, when we open ourselves to the possibility.
For a long time in my life I would have given everything to bee seen, heard, valued, loved. And in fact, I tried everything to get all that. I craved for love and attention and I was confused why people left me rather than stay with me.
I learned that the more I try to force closeness, attention, love and care - the more people around me would withdraw. I suffocated them with my neediness. I pushed them away with my disappointment when they didn't give me what I wanted or needed.

It was incredibly painful, incredibly frustrating and incredibly lonely. And there seemed to be no way out, because I couldn't control my needs, right? I had a right to my needs, right? I deserved to have my needs fulfilled, right?

No, I was so badly wrong with all that and on all levels. The only thing that was true and valid was, that I had the needs and desires. Everything else was assumption, force, faulty thinking and misguided emotions.

I had to learn to let people be, make their own decisions how much time they want to spend with me, how much they were able and willing to invest in me. I had to learn to accept that I am not the center of the universe, that other people struggle too, that people have limits. I had to accept that not everyone will love me, even if I tried to be the most lovable person. I had to accept that some people may dislike me even..(Oh what a hard lesson that was when I struggled so much with not being loved in the first place!) I had to accept that I couldn't expect people to give me what I needed or wanted.

When I made that step back though, when I accepted my neediness but rejected the expectation, the sense of entitlement - that's when things started to change for me. I was still needy but somehow these needs got filled without even trying. People started to feel drawn to me instead of feeling the need to withdraw. It was like a magnet that pulled me towards certain people and that pulled them towards me. I met people who loved me, took care of me, respected me, valued me, appreciated me. And without having to put too much effort into it.
For me, it really was true that when I let go of the expectation, I received more than I had dreamed about.

And well, I will be honest. I still need things, I still want to be heard and seen and loved and cared for and valued. But today I know that I can reach out to people and tell them how I feel and they will be right by my side. And I know I will be exactly that for them as well.
The PC member who sent me chocolate today is such a wonderful person, with a huge and beautiful heart. She makes me smile EVERY single day without even trying. I feel drawn to her and she feels drawn to me, and the friendship, although very young, is so very precious to me. And it just happened because I opened myself up to the possibility. And thank God I did, I wouldn't laugh half as much without her right now!

And all you people here on PC who send me messages when you're worried, or when you are happy, when you feel you want to talk or just send love - that is so very very precious to me. I feel honored that some people ask me for advice, even though my advice might sometimes be everything else but right, haha. I feel valued and cared for when you ask me how I am doing. I feel very privileged when you tell me about your life.

When I get a text message from sweepy for example, my heart feels all happy and warm..
I feel very blessed to have you all in my life and will keep you in mine as long as I can.

With love,
A"