OE, I`m sorry that you had so much trouble and grief with your sister in your past and to some extent, still.

But I don´t think yours and your sister´s relationship, and the relationship I used to have with my sister are really comparable.

All those years, as children and growing up we were very very close, we loved each other very much. As children we played together, even though she´s older than me and growing up we talked and had a lot of fun together, we had a good connection. It was "us against our parents".

Which, you know, is kind of why it made me so sad to see her pull away, and not be emotional with me.

I just remember her as this very warm-hearted, loving and caring person and then she changed .... When I hugged her then, I felt how "stiff" it actually felt..

"I don't want her to tell me what to do or what I do that is wrong or to direct me "her way" anymore. I need to distance and see things for "myself" for a change."

I can relate to this very much too, OE. She too, started to act as if she knew everything, and knew better than I what I wanted and what I should do or not do. And it was very good for me to distance myself from it and find out what "I" really wanted.
I can tell you how good it felt, when I talked to a councelor and when she asked me what felt like was really important to me and I said dance,
and she smiled at me and did NOT make me feel like that was "wrong" to feel that it was important to me. I felt really accepted for who I was and what I loved.

"That is why many people finally break all ties to their families because they realize that they just need to develop their "own" life and identity
and not fall into the identity they had in the family dysfunction."

I can relate to this too, and in a way I think it´s what I´ve already done and what was very good for me. Just when I look back at old pictures from my sister and me, I get sad and wonder: What happened? We used to be so close.

I can understand why she´d need to distance from my mother, no questions asked. I know why it was good for me to distance from her, so that I could really concentrate on what "I" wanted to do and loved, and not feel like that is "wrong" an I "shouldn´t" do that or that it isn´t "me".

But I certainly never told her what to do or how to act.... I was always the little sister, it was more the other way around.

Yes, the situation with your sister seems very strange to me...

Was she always so controlling or just when your parents got older?

I don´t know how weak or sick your parents are that they cannot stand up against their daughter? Or has it always been this way?

I know that a lot of parents, especially fathers, can be very controlling towards their children, even in old age. I´ve never heard of it the other way around.

They shouldn´t let themselves be rushed or controlled. Do they live in a retirement home? I know the nurses there can treat the elder people like little children too and can be quite controlling, so the old people actually start "acting" like children again because they feel like it.