"They shouldn´t let themselves be rushed or controlled. Do they live in a retirement home? I know the nurses there can treat the elder people like little children too and can be quite controlling, so the old people actually start "acting" like children again because they feel like it." quote Alisha

Yes, this is how my sister treats my parents and they "especially my mother" begin to act more and more like children. My father resisted my sister a lot, but she would not relent and he slowly caved more and more. My parents are 89 and 90 so with her in control more and more, put together with their age increasing at the same time, it got harder for them to stand their ground with my sister.

Ok, you and I are the "younger" sister and I had been close to my sister too for a long time. But my sister "was older and had that seniority over me", I was too young to really see that the way I see it now.

Yes, your older sister is going to see it all differently than you, it could be that while you felt it was her and you against your mother, it was probably more her against your mother and stepping into the more mothering role for you. Her healing is going to be different from yours because she is distancing from that role she played for so long and in that distancing, she is not going to be close to you in that kind of mothering way either. Her going stiff when you hug her, doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it is probably a trigger of how she ended up being put into the mothering role, possible for both you "and" your mother at times.

I understand how confused you are with this right now too. I have to be honest, I really struggle when it comes to my older sister. It isn't that I don't love her, we were close and also talked about the dysfunction in my parents. My sister was in a different position in all that psychologically and she got more controlling and I had to break away from that. Your sister may have taken a different path psychologically that may not be as severe as my sister. It could be that your sister gets triggered now when you want her to be close and engage again. But that is coming from her own stresses that you didn't really see.

Unfortunately, when a parent is an alcoholic or isn't performing the "parent role" in healthy ways, the children end up being put into roles to make up for that and often at some point that role just gets too hard for them and they can really begin to struggle psychologically in some way where they begin to really need help.

You have talked about how you had to try to control your emotions all the time and how that ended up with you turning on yourself and developing some unhealthy ways to gain a sense of control somehow. Well, you finally got so you needed help and had to distance yourself from the dysfunction to finally have a chance "with a T" to be allowed to let all the pent up emotion out. Typically when someone begins therapy, this is a very hard process because they are often afraid to open up and express their emotions for fear their therapist will judge them or be angry with them about these emotions. I think that is so sad and unfortunately a lot of people are challenged that way, too many people.

I have had a hard time myself because when I did "try" to reach out, even when I was really bad, I was treated like I had no right, that it was wrong for me to be struggling so much. If I showed you my records of when I went to that psych ward, you would be able to see how I expressed all the red flags and the psychiatrist felt I didn't have that right and misdiagnosed me. Even the first outpatient psychologist did the same thing to me WOW, I look back and see my records and I can't believe how unfair that was to me.

My therapist has told me several times now that it is not unusual "unfortunately" for a trauma patient to be misdiagnosed and it has been a problem in different treatment facilities, and with different psychologists misdiagnosing. The two most misdiagnosed disorders given are Bipolar and Narcissistic personality disorder instead of Post Traumatic Stress. He told me that because a trauma patient is often defensive and trying to find a sense of control and can be resistant to medications or anything they feel is intrusive can seem self absorbed and angry, a psychiatrist/psychologist can mistaken these behavior patterns as narcissistic personality disorder, instead of recognizing them as the symptoms/behavior patterns of a patient in trauma/crisis. He told me how an effort is being made to try to train these professionals better so they don't end up misdiagnosing and making that patient worse. People do not understand "trauma and PTSD" and they often respond to it in all the wrong ways only aggravating the PTSD even more. Often the patient is made to feel they are "wrong" in being so upset and emotional, WOW, it's so sad and because I have experienced that first hand, I feel so bad for others that experience that same kind of reaction from people around them.

Oh well, didn't mean to stray into that, but my point is that while I know you feel lost and confused with your sister's behaviors right now, try to be patient. I know that can be hard, I think your sister is just "in her own way" trying to break away from her entire role she fit into with your family, and even you. But please don't think that means that she doesn't love you still, she has to work through all that herself and I hope she is still getting help with that, because it really does take time.

OE