I didnt wanna talk about it but I did.

First time ever with anyone. Such a good T who tried to be helpful but it still hurts too much. Feel like I should have kept my mouth shut.

It only happened once ... he says once too many. I feel it was my fault, he says it wasn't. He says that its good that I talked about it and all I do is hurt. He wants to refer me to someone else to help deal with it after he's gone ... but I dont know if I can. Seems like a waste to refer me to a therapist to deal with trauma when it only happened once and it wasn't that bad (as I try to convince myself). I just want to forget. Please just let me forget. Why wont the thoughts end Why cant I just forget. It happened so many years ago and I was so good at not talking about it at all and dealing with it whenever I remembered - why did it have to come up NOW. I dont like people touching my legs or stomach/chest area. Not such a shocking thing. It wasnt rape it wasnt sex it wasnt anything like that. why wont my body and mind let me get over it already.

All the guy did was touch me. It was my fault. It will always be my fault. I shouldnt have enjoyed it at all. Bad bad bad Christina

Never should have said anything to T. Should have said something to HIM when he did that to me. Why didnt I do anything.

addendum because i cant stop writing now...

T asked me to stay with my emotions. Stay with the situation. Describe how I was feeling. Describe what happened. Tell him how I feel when saying all this and it was too much. He tried to be good though. He didnt ask many specific questions didnt tell me that I HAD to answer his questions. I couldnt I dont want to remember. Trying so hard to block thoughts block emotions and it just didnt work. Dissociating not staying in the room with T wanted so much to not be there. Run run away. Why didnt I tell HIM to stop, why didnt I tell T to stop pushing.

Scary questions. Too hard to answer. I'm bad I'm sorry I'm so so sorry.