Well, it happened. The thing that I have been dreading for over a year. I had my last session with my T since I'm graduating. I left feeling okay and even happy... we had a handshake at the end, and she grasped my hand with both of hers. I looked into her eyes and we had a very meaningful moment, especially since I so rarely look at her.

But now that I'm alone and processing everything, I feel so devastated and I'm literally sobbing as I write this. It wasn't a great session. She kept telling me that there would be other people that care about me and other teachers in my life. But I wanted her to understand how hard it is to lose her. I feel so restless and panicky. I don't want to do anything, but I also can't do nothing. I can barely write this. I think I'm just afraid that she doesn't care about me. I KNOW that's not true because she has said many times that she really does. Last session she said I was special. She has told me before that she will miss me, that she loves me, and that she will remember me for the long-term. That just because we end doesn't mean she will stop caring.

So why am I afraid of this? Maybe it's because she wasn't as upset as I was that this was ending. That she thought good was coming my way and she's not worried about me, but hopeful for me. And last week I asked if she would write me a letter because sometimes I find it hard to remember that she cares, and I thought the letter would help me remember. She said that she would, but then today she said that she had been trying to write the letter and couldn't. Not because she couldn't think of what to say, but she was afraid that it would make us less meaningful. She said I would look back on it someday and think "I had to ask for this." She said in the past, she has had parental figures write her a note and in the moment it felt like gold. But later on, she didn't feel as good about it, though she acknowledged that I wouldn't necessarily feel that way too. Can someone help me make sense of this? I feel as though she didn't want to document that she cares about me, and I don't know why. But it's really distressing me. I really needed that note to feel okay right now. When I'm in the midst of tears, I wanted to look at the note and have it be like she was talking to me, telling me it was all okay and she still loves me. Now I have nothing to hold onto. Why would it have less meaning if she wrote it down? Do you think she was trying to have me not need that reinforcement, but to just trust it within myself?