I don't know if this is related to BPD but I have a history of stealing. When I was in high school I did it all the time at the mall. I loved it because I never got caught. I never stole anything I really needed, mostly makeup. Then when I was 18 I got caught, arrested, went to court, did my community service blah blah. About ten years later I finally got my record expunged. I've stolen here and there since then, but not like I used to.

Then yesterday, I'm not sure why but i stole $20 from my work. I took it out of the drawer of a manager who had counted out for the day. I'm not going to get caught, there's no way they'll think I did it or catch me, I was the only one in the room and the lock box was open. Part of it was because I knew I could get away with it I figured, if that's the case then maybe I should. I put my 2 weeks in last Friday so I won't be working there much longer. I know that manager isn't going to get in trouble for having a short drawer and that $20 will just be seen as some kind of counting error or change making error. If someone had done that to me though I would have gotten into trouble.

Today I suddenly felt really guilty about it. Unsure why at nearly 30 I'm resorting to teenage behavior, even though as a teen I never stole money, only merchandise. I feel like it's immature and just not cool. I know that if anyone told me they did what I did I would think they were an asshole. But I somehow feel like I deserve that money in some sense? Like that job sucks and should be paying me more anyway and hey they left me in a room with an open lock box of money. I dunno. I have taken money from past roommates as well. One because he kept breaking my things and not replacing them and another one I think but I don't remember for sure because it was years ago.

I dunno, is this a BPD thing? Or like separate kleptomania type thing? Or just me being a ****** person?