thanks costello. for the response.

i like to torture myself. maybe its sabotage. but i read the psychotherapy forum and the romantic feelings for T forum and get so angry. and i shouldnt be because i was there before. i had sexual feelings for my former T. but then the feelings and fantasies became a reality and turned into a nightmare. in my head i call these ppl sick for thinking this way about a T but its really just me calling myself sick i guess. i want to tell these ppl that boundaries are there to protect YOU the client. but i also understand not wanting to hear that in that situation. i told maybe 3 ppl (online) about what was going on with me and former T and all of them told me it was bad. yet i still wanted to do it. i didnt listen. now i want so bad to reach ppl with my story, to tell them its not what they fantasize about it being, that it really hurts u to ur core, and makes it almost impossible to trust anyone again. but ppl must learn on their own and im glad that the majority of Ts out there stick to their boundaries. i dont know. it just triggers me so much. why do i keep looking at it? its like some sick habit i have. T once told me after i told him the kinds of movies and books i like, he said that it may be me trying to reexperience the trauma to make more sense of it. idk. i think ill talk to T about this tomorrow. he doesnt know im on this forum at all. but i realize there are still things that need to be processed.