i am tired of this damn disorder! i am tired of having to take so many medications everyday and still have moodswings. i am tired of not knowing how i am gonna wake up in the morning and whether or not my mood will change that evening. i am tired of being irritable. i am tired of people who do not understand what i am going through and continously judge my behavior. why can't they let me be? i k now that they love me. but why do i have to go out when they go out. and why do they use my kids as an excuse, always telling me to snap out of it and take my kids to the park. SNAP OUT! i am barely getting by, trying to work, be a good wife and mother to my kids, yet i am not good enough when i am in the pits of depression that i don't ask to be in. do not they not think that i want to enjoy regular outtings? then when i am "extremely" happy (manic) then i am too much too handle. well then i guess i have a very big problem them since i don't exactly have "normal" days all that often, i try very hard even when i am at my whits end i try to blend in and make sacrifices to make others happy but i cannot do it all the time. sometimes i feel like a failure because i turn my own children away from me and it pains me to do that. i don't want to do that. i don't want to be irritable towards them. i try to stop it but i can't help it at times. then i feel so guilty that all i can do is cry and hope for a better day. i am sorry that i am rambling. but i am FED UP with everything. i am beginning to think that maybe i should get off the meds, i think i was better off without them. oh i don't know, i'm just venting.