Why do I have all these feelings coming up RIGHT NOW??? It seems to come in waves. Sometimes, I find therapy to be easy, like talking to a mentor. And then sometimes things are like right now, where I have all these emotions and feelings and ugh. I feel angry at my T, for such a stupid reason, and I feel like I need her, which makes me feel very afraid. And yet I also want her to get rid of me so I don't have to deal with her anymore (or so she doesn't have to deal with me?). I know I am being difficult and annoying. Even if she doesn't admit it. I don't know how she puts up with me. I feel so much like I want to run away from her, and yet she is consistently compassionate and caring, and reliable. And I hate it. I don't know why

She goes out of her way time and time again, and I don't deserve her. She gives me things, such as some melatonin (sold over the counter in the USA) that she found was too strong for her because I was having trouble sleeping. I don't deserve for her to think about me and do something like that for me. She is also giving me free appointments for May and June, which comes to $760 that she isn't making because of me. I don't deserve any of it. And it makes me feel so scared and angry and upset and overwhelmed. I can't handle it. And even though she is so kind and attuned and all these things, I am still really angry and hurt over the stupidest things. I don't want to feel all this stuff

I know that I need to send her a text and tell her all this. But I can't. I have already sent her too many texts this week, and I am sure she is tired of hearing from me. I don't know why she insists I'm not annoying. I know I am. This is all just confusing right now.