Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I disagree. Your mother was saying to you, "When you leave your son in my care, I shall use my judgement about what is safe. If you don't think my judgement is sound, then don't leave your child with me." That's actually a fair statement, in my view.
I totally support your decision to not let your child be transported in a car being driven by someone who has been drinking. Though, come to think of it, that was not actually what you decided. When you saw the car in your driveway, with your step-dad at the wheel, you could have said to your mom by phone, "Come back immediately!" They couldn't have gotten far down the road when you had your mom on the cell phone. But that's not what you did. You decided that the risk to your son was not great enough for you to cancel your plans. So you let the car proceed down the road.
Ask yourself what it is that you are really angry about. I think you are more angry that your mom was non-compliant then you are about your son being put in jeopardy. This sounds like it may be something of a power struggle between you and your mom. (There's that word again.) Ask yourself if this is really only about your son's safety. Your mother doesn't think it is, and I suspect she may be on to something.
Your son's safety didn't require that his grandmother be ejected from the house. What was that really about? Are you using the issue of your son's welfare as a proxy for something else. Just think about it.
As time goes on, you are going to need help now and then with your son. You have no idea what situations may arise that will cause you to leave your son in someone else's care. You may find that there are no perfect babysitters out there and that you could do a lot worse than your mom. Outside of you and your husband, probably no one will love this child more than your mom. In would be in both your son's and your interests for you to cultivate cooperation from your mom in a constructive way, rather than by getting implacably confrontational.
I don't know your mom, and, for all I know, she may be someone who is not a good choice for a babysitter. That may be a conclusion that you will come to, and I would support you in your right to make that decision. I don't see it, however, as a reason to cut off contact with her. I think you are angry about something else.
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You're welcome to disagree Rose, but in order to believe what you're inferring I would be forced to put quite a few words in my mothers mouth that she didn't actually use. Your assumption of her meaning requires a bit of a bigger leap in judgement than what I took away from the interaction and I'm struggling to see how you came to that conclusion, but nonetheless.
We highlighted our opposition to it happening, that should have been final. There was no argument to take place here, no need for questioning my partner and I about what we did and didn't do - We highlighted the issue immediately via telephone, from that point our opposition and wishes were clear and the responsibility then rested on the adult whose care we placed our son in - my mother.
I appreciate your comments, although I think too much focus is being placed on an attempt to read subtext and the chosen use of words, which is only hindering the actual issue getting the daylight it deserves.
My mother came into our home after this incident with an agenda, aiming to shirk responsibility we had given her, and pose a series of questions that implied we should have done more. As soon as we realised we rang - Multiple times, it took time to get through and once we did get through the phone cut off and we were forced to try again, they had managed to get a reasonable distance along the road by this stage so rest assured it was in no way us choosing 'our plans' over our sons safety, I find that an assumption that is completely unnecessary to make given the information you had.
We attempted to reason with her, and highlight that, regardless to what she thinks, we disagree with it happening and that should really be the end of it. This was met with a series of 'why didn't you do x,y,z', which is completely unreasonable in the face of two people whos wishes you have not respected in regard to their child, when it was clear there was no reasoning with her, she was asked to leave.
While you assert that once we place our son in the care of someone else we must then give in to their judgement - This only applies partially. We respect that our chosen babysitter must use their judgement (based on our understanding of how good it is), however, if we ask them to do something with our child that they would not have otherwise judged necessary, then we expect our wishes to be respected, whether they agree or not - Like for example, if we wish for him to be put to bed at 7pm, but in their opinion 9pm would be suitable, our wishes should take precedent over their opinion - So I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one.
To round this up I have spoken to my mother since, highlighted my problems with everything that happened and it has been accepted. Had that been the case initially everything would be fine. At least its happened now.