Saw my doctor this morning. Appointments usually last 5 minutes, it’s a busy city surgery… this lasted 25 minutes, by the end I was just wanting to escape.

Had a very frank chat… starting off with showing him a note I pre-prepared as I don’t trust myself to be honest, to have the courage to not play things down. In the note mentioned intense periods of anger, anxiety and apathy (or dumb stupor likeness)… I mentioned other stuff that I’m not 100% comfortable mentioning here… but basically about confliction, intent, stupidity and courage.

Wasn’t going to show him the letter at all… but the wife got a hold of it last night and had warned that if I didn’t show it to him, she’d be booking an appointment and would tell him herself -.-

Told him that I was embarrassed and ashamed, that I was hating myself for stupid thoughts and impulses… that I was able to logically see how the deep want to do certain things would impact… the consequences: if I do A… B,C and D could happen. That I hated how my depression was impacting on others… on my wife… how I was doing at work… that I was pathetic, that I saw this all as just pointless attention seeking and I want it all to stop, want to just get on with my life without being so selfish and self centered.

It was this point that he just said “this is not your fault” “depression is not a choice”… I argued with him but he was adamant… can’t for the life of me remember much of that part.. probably me being a sceptic and ignoring reason. I do remember him saying I wasn’t stupid… that I would be stupid if I gave in, and that I haven’t done that.

He asked what the probability of me doing something was. Said that while thinking logically… the probability was low… but that I wasn’t always thinking logically, that to do something would most likely be impulsive and without thought. He said that if these urges come on I should see him… I replied that if I was in that position, I wouldn’t be telling anyone, I’d be embarrassed and angry… that showing him the letter was pathetic in itself. He reiterated that I had to let him know.

He wanted to refer me to the crisis team and I reminded him that they’d already shrugged me off 5 months back. That they wouldn’t help me as I believe I’m in that limbo situation… my self control is preventing me from doing anything that would warrant intervention.

He relented to this and actually agreed… said that budget cuts had made it so only those in extreme need of help are being helped.. whereas people like me are being left to just fend for ourselves… that on reflection he thought they prob say no again and that would be counter productive.

He also expressed disappointment that not once has my T (private) been in contact with him to give an update on how things are… said he’d never heard of her and though he wasn’t intending to be libellous, was curious of her credentials. Asked me how the sessions have been going and I said that it’s a mixed bag… some parts have been very helpful, other parts frustrate me… and that the down time in between (I see her every 2 weeks) can be hard going.

Has asked me to start IAPT sessions alongside… that it would be helpful for him to have an ongoing observation from those sessions on what help should be given.

Reiterated that I had to see him if things go to crap and that at the very least to see him again in 2 weeks.