Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemystery
You made me feel so much better, and I will have to refer back to this post occasionally to think positively about this. Thank you for supporting me throughout the end-- I really appreciate it. I am happy about finally making eye contact, even if it was only for that moment when I was shaking her hand. I held my gaze for awhile, and I was thinking, "Wow, so this is who she is. This is who knows me." I'm just afraid that I didn't do a good job other than that though. Because shouldn't I have been more positive? I cried in the beginning and she said she wanted me to frame the end positively or I wouldn't get meaning out of it. But I can't help but be upset. I feel like I let her down because of that though; of course what she did made a positive impact, and aren't I being ungrateful for being sad instead of glad that it happened? What if she feels disappointed? After the handshake I said, "I will miss you" because I needed her to know that, but she didn't say anything and I sensed it was the wrong thing to say.
I think what you're saying about the letter makes sense. I would over-analyze every word, and I would probably find something to question or be disappointed about. That letter was a lot of pressure because it was supposed to demonstrate how much she cares, so she would have had to say everything just right. It had the potential to be problematic.
She was calm and hopeful for me, and this actually did help me bear the loss even as I left. It wasn't until later that I became very very upset. I was expecting her to be sad too and to share in the pain, so I think that's why it bothered me. But she had to model how to think of it for me. She has faith that I will be okay and that I'm moving on to great things, so she's not sad; she's happy for me. Thank you feralkittymom.  |
I think being able to look into her eyes when you were also so physically close to her and shaking her hand is amazing! I'm sure she took that in as a gift. I'm not sure what she meant by not getting meaning out of the ending unless it were positive; I would understand her wanting you to appreciate the positives as a way of honoring the work, and to blunt some of the pain of ending. But I doubt she wanted you to sacrifice honesty in order to put on a happy face. I think being honest in your expression, whatever it is,
is showing gratitude: that you respect her and the relationship and the work enough to be who you are authentically.
Goodness, I spent at least half of my last session in tears as we talked about our fears of his mortality during his surgery! I was still teary when I walked out, and barely made it to my car before breaking down. I don't think her silence in response to your saying you'll miss her means it was wrong to say it. I think her silence was acceptance. My T didn't say anything as we walked to the door. But he paused opening the door, and gently patted my back; I said good-bye, and he told me to take care of myself. And then he watched me walk to my car from his window (he told me that many years later.) I think she accepted and held your feeling, and that's validation. Her shown faith that you will be fine was her final gift to you.
Missing her, feeling that bittersweet sadness is OK. Over time, you'll feel her calm, hopeful, faith in you as more real and present. It's something you can summon up whenever you feel the need, and it will come back to you without the sadness.