Originally Posted by AmysJourney
Day #23
I received an interesting and though-provoking email yesterday in response to my letter yesterday. I asked if it's ok to share, so I will. (And I will turn my letter today into a "Dear Amelia" kind of letter.)
"Dear Amelia,
I read your email today with mixed feelings. My stomach felt funny. I felt caught. I was angry at you and was a second away from asking you to take me of your list. What you wrote today hit too close to home and I didn't want to know how you overcame what I am struggling with. I feel like now I don't have an excuse any more and that is stressful. It challenged me too much. But worse than that, it gave me a bad conscience. My initial reply to you was: I am happy it worked for you but that doesn't mean it works for everyone. Perhaps you are an exception because the world doesn't work that way. So come down from your high horse.
I closed your email and thought I will just let it go.
But that was impossible. Over and over again my thoughts wandered off and your words haunted me. I guess you have hit a nerve with me and I don't like it. I actually want to scream at you! Your email hurts.
I have to admit that it hurts because you are right. And that truth doesn't sit well with me. So if I may ask you a question, and if that doesn't exhaust you too much, would you mind telling me how you did all this without breaking under the pain?
L"
Dear L,
Wow, I am glad I read your email until the end because halfway in I thought WTF?? No offense, I think I was just afraid I had hurt your feelings somehow and felt bad about that.
Then I read your email again. And again.
And now I know what to reply.
Thank you for your honesty is what I want to say first. That must have been very hard for you to write, to admit, to ponder and to convey.
And I feel for and with you so much. Actually, all these feeling you describe, were feelings I went through as well when I had this realization of what I was really doing to myself and to people around me.
We don't like to think that we are hurting other people, especially when it is by our neediness. In fact, I think it's one of the most difficult things to comprehend. Here we are - hurting, in need, desperate. We want others to be close to us. We want to be taken care of and we want to feel special. And then people tell us (or signal) that we are too much, too needy, too demanding etc. It feels so very wrong to us. Because we have a reason to be, don't we? And with every person who shows us that we might be too much, we feel the past repeat itself. We feel worthless, unlovable, unpleasant. We start to resent ourselves because we must be bad, why else would we be alone, right?
And then we withdraw, we make ourselves more lonely, we want to protect ourselves from being hurt, we stop trusting people.
And in my case - I resented people and thought they just don't care so I won't care about them! I had this infantile stubbornness that was irrational and damaging, but well it was my feeling.
But oh, I was so very very wrong. None of these thoughts I had were true. Seriously, not one. People didn't withdraw from me because I was bad or unlovable, they withdrew because my neediness was too much to handle. They felt drained by me, suffocated by me but mostly: HELPESS.
They just couldn't give me what I need because the truth is, whatever they would have given me, IT WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ENOUGH.
My need for certain things was insatiable! Someone telling me I was special was not enough. I wanted them to say it over and over. I wanted them to be close, hug me, hold my hand, comfort me ALL THE TIME.
My neediness was not healthy for anyone especially not for me. Because, if people couldn't give me what need, if it was never enough, then I was in a hopeless place. And hopeless meant there was no reason to live.
So, I had to come to that very painful, very aggravating place where I needed to feel all the pain that you describe in your email. For me it was the only thing that worked. If people had enabled me to keep going, I would have never found the strength to move forward.
And the truth is, that when I did have that epiphany, I was a mess. I thought I would be alone forever. I thought I would never recover. I was depressed and sad and VERY angry.
One day, not so long afterwards, a friend of mine called and told me he had been thinking about me. My first reaction was to cling to that, to him. But I said instead: "That is really sweet of you, how are you?" He told me something about his life and the conversation for the first time was not one-sided. It was relaxed and real and it felt nice. Over time these kind of encounters became more and I had to work VERY hard not to fall back into my old behaviors. But over time it became easier and eventually I met people who became my surrogate fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers. I made friends who liked to stick around, but I also accepted when some decided to leave.
It is everything else but easy. But at least for me, it was crucial to go through this pain.
You know, L, you have been a wonderful friend to me. And I have been your friend for a while. I am still here and have never withdrawn. You don't have to put any effort into our friendship at all. I am here.
With love,
A"
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