Hi secretwhisper, it's not moaning at all!! What you're feeling matters and it is so good that you feel able to share that with us so as we can try to give you some support. And need that as much as you want/need to, we're here for you.
But "just" because you're in a bad place doesn't mean that you're broken/that this is all there is. You are still there underneath this, and with the right support.............
Now are you getting some of the help/support you need out there?? e.g. from a pdoc, from a T?? sometimes it might not always be that forthcoming but if could push for more support?? I know that really can't be easy considering how you're feeling, but whatever you can do, right?
But if you want to just talk a bit more................you're not alone..............
Alison