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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I think being able to look into her eyes when you were also so physically close to her and shaking her hand is amazing! I'm sure she took that in as a gift. I'm not sure what she meant by not getting meaning out of the ending unless it were positive; I would understand her wanting you to appreciate the positives as a way of honoring the work, and to blunt some of the pain of ending. But I doubt she wanted you to sacrifice honesty in order to put on a happy face. I think being honest in your expression, whatever it is, is showing gratitude: that you respect her and the relationship and the work enough to be who you are authentically.
Goodness, I spent at least half of my last session in tears as we talked about our fears of his mortality during his surgery! I was still teary when I walked out, and barely made it to my car before breaking down. I don't think her silence in response to your saying you'll miss her means it was wrong to say it. I think her silence was acceptance. My T didn't say anything as we walked to the door. But he paused opening the door, and gently patted my back; I said good-bye, and he told me to take care of myself. And then he watched me walk to my car from his window (he told me that many years later.) I think she accepted and held your feeling, and that's validation. Her shown faith that you will be fine was her final gift to you.
Missing her, feeling that bittersweet sadness is OK. Over time, you'll feel her calm, hopeful, faith in you as more real and present. It's something you can summon up whenever you feel the need, and it will come back to you without the sadness.  |
Thank you so much for helping me sort this out! Yes, it was an amazing moment... I felt like I had gotten past a barrier and finally let myself see and be seen. After we had shook hands, I just sort of paused at the door and continued looking at her. Because it was just so nice and so different for us. I will have the chance to see her tomorrow at my graduation, and I will hopefully be able to say hi. I look forward to looking at her one more time. I hope I will be able to memorize what she looks like because how she looked surprised me a little and I'm having trouble picturing exactly what her face looks like again.
You're probably right that I misinterpreted what she meant by needing to look at the positives. I think she wanted me to have a balanced view on the ending. She did say in previous sessions that it was sort of like I am grieving a death, and that she wasn't trying to talk me out of feeling that way. She also said that I probably needed to go through the loss in order to fully internalize what she has said to me. She said that's the way it works. I hope she wasn't frustrated by my "I'll miss you," but she probably wasn't. And her lack of sadness was probably just showing that she believes in me. If she was worried about me, I would be worried about myself too. Hopefully I'll have a better sense of how she took everything when I see her and see how she reacts to me at graduation.
I do remember that your T had gone through surgery right before your termination. That must have been so scary. That's really sweet that your T watched you get into your car. It definitely makes me feel better that I wasn't the only one not fully taking in the positives of the termination experience. Termination seems so tragic to me, and of course I'm not the only one. It's okay for me to be sad and depressed about this because it's a very significant loss. Thank you, I will have to believe that I can do this; I can take what I learned from my T and not let it go to waste. I will get there in time.