One good rule of thumb I've found with the Narc is when they have been criticized and it causes narcissist injury (fancy way of saying it hurt their feelings or the place where feelings would be if there were any) is that they react exactly like a 5 year old.

I don't mean that in a harsh way, actually...it is really how a 5 year old who hasn't managed to figure out how to react appropriately when they don't get their way, or feel they haven't pleased the person who they are getting their supply from (if they're ignored etc) it's just how a 5 year old reacts. Only in the full grown physicality of an adult, it can be very scary sometimes. They love like a child, quickly, intensely; grow bored like a child, quickly, intensely. The methodology is of a child who has learned to manipulate to get attention, but it's never enough, because as a child they never felt loved, wanted or appreciated and this desperation they feel has morphed into Narcissism, which is more accurately active self-loathing rather than self-loving, in the Narc created from a home atmosphere of neglect rather than adoration. The adorative Narc is the other side of the same coin, and has the same reactions.

The joking and cojoling you had to do to get him to help out is absolutely what one would do with a person who has the emotional skills of a very manipulative, punitive 5 year old, and the sooner you understand that, and treat him in that way, the easier it will be to deal with it. I don't mean condescend or patronize... Just remember, a true Narc doesn't do these things out of intention or authentic sadism...they do these things because it was the only thing that worked to fill an emptiness that will never, really be filled.

I pity my ex who is a Narc. I'd never take him back...he was a total crazy-maker who had passive-aggressive gas lighting down to an science. But when I realized what he was doing, and put things together they actually made a weird kind of sense.

So when your ex 'goes off'...let him, but set boundaries and stick to them. Limit time with him when he does flip out, as a form of aversion therapy...fact is, the worst thing you can do to a Narc is ignore them. And do try to limit time in general with him but in a neutral manner. Remember, to a 5 year old who's starved for someone to notice him, any attention is better than no attention. So be non-combative and again, stick to preassigned boundaries you feel are appropriate when dealing with him in the course of raising your children. It won't be easy, but it can be done.

I'm just grateful I never had children with my ex. There are little favors in life after all.


Take care