Hello, everyone. I'm not sure what to say... I really didn't plan on actually posting when I joined. I wanted to take the quizzes and look at the information, but I didn't think talking here would help any. But I've been feeling really down and lonely...and I just wanted someone to talk to. I remembered this place, and I thought I would give it a try. The worst that can happen is that I'll look stupid-- anonymously. I don't want to look stupid at all, but...oh well... I'm babbling.

Anyways. I DO feel kind of stupid. I shouldn't feel lonely or depressed. Great life and family and boyfriend. (Only down side is that I can't seem to do anything-- I don't have a job or a license because I'm scared of interactions or anything that involves decision-making. I'm nineteen, so I feel pretty pathetic.) The thing is, I still feel lonely. Like, my parents are going through enough of their own... I'd feel stupid acting like my problems were that big of a deal. And some things you just don't feel comfortable discussing with parents-- or boyfriends, when it has to do with them in a negative way. So... And, yeah. My boyfriend doesn't handle depression well. I want to talk it out-- not be distracted. That's only a temporary fix, and I want to actually try to feel BETTER. And sometimes that means just...rambling... Like I'm doing now. To complete strangers. That probably have things a lot worse than I do. I'm sorry.

Anyways, I just felt like I had no one to talk to... Not about anything serious. And I think I'm PMSing. For a long time, I was depressed all the time-- I've come a long way, but I've realized that, now, the major episodes are when I'm about to start my period. I don't know if that's something separate from depression or not. It still feels the same, I just feel much worst at certain points of the month. It's actually kind of nice because I can tell myself that, if I just hold out, I'll feel a little better in a week or two. But when you're actually experiencing it full on, it's hard to really think about that. And, for example, last night... I really just wanted someone to talk to. But I don't have anyone I feel comfortable with. And that makes me feel worse because I think I'm supposed to be comfortable with my boyfriend-- we're "engaged," after all. But, that's part of the problem. I'm nineteen. Why am I engaged? I don't think I want to be. I feel stupid and silly and childish whenever that's pointed out. Like I'm playing a game-- playing house, or something like that. That's not what being engaged is supposed to feel like, I don't think. I said yes...because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no. But I didn't take it very seriously. We'd only been dating three months, I believe. He'd broken up with me eight times during the first month or so. It wasn't a steady thing. How am I supposed to tell him that?

Ugh. I really am babbling. I'll post this because I wrote it out. But I feel stupid. I just really needed to write this out, and I wanted to think someone might be reading it. I talked to myself earlier, and she/I said that I need to work through my issues with people. I think that's what I need to do. I'm just afraid and not sure of where to start. (And, I feel a little weird mentioning that I talked to myself, or the fact that I consider it as talking to "her," with I added on... But I've been to some of the other forums here, and I don't feel like it's as big of a deal as what it used to seem. I looked at the Dissociative Disorders section here, and if I have anything remotely similar to that, it's only a mild case of it. And I don't feel like I'm having other things take over-- and I don't feel like having them is a bad thing. Everyone talks to themselves. I don't know whether or not everyone has identified alternative and personified personalities that talk back regularly/when needed, but it really doesn't seem SO strange. I don't even know if that's something I have, too. I don't know enough to compare myself to others... So I can't judge whether or not I'm normal in this area and that. I only feel validated to talk HERE at all because a doctor told me I suffered from anxiety, for certain, and depression, as well, and wanted me to work my way up to 100 mg a day of Zoloft. I don't necessarily trust that position, but I do feel like I can say I'm depressed without worrying about whether or not I really have the right to say it...)

So, yes. The point is, even though I decided I need to start working through the issues I have with other people by actually TALKING to them, I needed someone to talk to first, to get my bearings straight. Someone that isn't me because I probably DON'T have any disorder that has created multiple personas-- I can't communicate with them very well, and if they were real and solidified, shouldn't it be easier to do? Oh well. Wrong forum for those questions. I'm sorry! But I feel better. I'm not quite expecting a lot of people to read this huge, long thing... But I needed to feel like I was talking to someone. I needed to talk it out, or I know I wouldn't have been able to get ANY sleep tonight. It's hard enough getting to sleep without having all this other junk getting in the way.

I'm glad I found this place. It was unexpectedly helpful. I needed to talk this out, and I'm glad that I was able to. Well, I was able to at least vent a bit. I don't think I quite talked anything out, but I feel more calm about things, now. And, it being after three in the morning, I should probably try to go to sleep. I want to try to start doing the things I'm saying I need to do.

For anyone reading this, thank you. Very much! ^_^