I think it is best to ask yourself why you need to know and maybe try to talk about it with T. Will it change your relationship to know? Wanting things... nobody can help that. Sometimes it is better for us (and a lot more appropriate) to be strong and deny a want than to indulge it. Be honest with yourself... and this is a rhetorical q but... are you in therapy to get better or just because you want to get closer to T? Again, wanting that is not wrong, and you can't help it, but if you don't want to talk about it with her then that is what you need to talk about the most. That urge is also a chance to learn and heal, and I'm positive that T wants to help you do that.