Hi, I don't think I have posted in here. I was doing a quick read on dissociative disorder and my ex-therapist said I was dissociating myself from people as that's because my parents had me sheltered all my life not wanting me to have friends, boyfriend (have one), or a job. I still live at home, have a job almost been there for 3 months and don't make enough to leave.

I am an adult. I was reading in the article that it comes from such severe abuse and for me, it's been mostly severe emotional abuse with lots of superb lying, manipulation, etc and my mom told me she wish she'd smothered me as a baby and kill me that's when everything disconnected in the back of my head. I could feel it, had a nervous break down between 12-13 years old. I was also reading it says you have memory issues not being able to recall a lot of things or certain situations, I noticed that about myself too. I used to have a great memory when I was a kid and after hearing that, I have a really hard trying to do some memory games and some I can really do. I can't recall a lot of information when I am reading only a small percentage of it which is why i was never good in academics.

I don't feel like I know anything about myself and have no sense of identity always been patterning myself of other people since my brother is so great according to my mom always put him on a pedestal because he is smarter, had good grades in school (before I was born), etc as us daughters were nothing but *****s, gonna have a bad life, etc. When I was a kid, I was so outgoing had all the friends and had no problems making friends. Now, it's hard as I have racing thoughts and a girl I met made friends with me. I find it hard to have a conversation as my communication skills are still improving. However, my communication skills still have issues with speech (words jumbled all over the place), confidence, eye contact, knowing when someone needs my attention or not being attentive enough (never was attentive to my parents all they did was curse/threaten), poor listening, quiet voice sounding like a kid, instead of a vocal voice and not be monotone, etc. I have been putting myself out there and can't seem to get connected to people that I like.

What is my identity? I really don't know. I do know my real self is being outgoing and making friends easily that was always me. People have told me to settle for being introverted, what?!? First off, I only became an introvert because of the sheltering at home (lucky I can go somewhere today) it wasn't based on choice nor was it based on inheriting from a parent. I am not gonna settle for "oh, woe is me. I am gonna stay/settle for introvert and blah blah," not gonna cut it. I believe my identity is when I was with my sister growing up hanging out and she is in another country now, brother is in CO. Why do I have to settle for introvert or anything else because other introverts are content with who they are? Why accept something that was never true about yourself just because you were forced to be in that role?

I have been putting myself out there can't seem to make comeback jokes with people and be the likable one at the party. Growing up, never had a real identity and my being or whatever was always separated from me away from my body. It was taken away from me as I said by my parents, we weren't allowed to have feelings or have an identity because "children don't have identities as they are property." I didn't grow up with the children are seen and not heard, may be my siblings did in the 70s I am not sure. I take that back, growing up in the 90s, with not being allowed to be human; yea, I did grow up with children are seen and not heard. I also have some symptoms of PTSD and have such anger outburst coming from my parents.

I ask myself am I ever gonna be normal? It has affected me from getting jobs in the past and at work going to the break room, I seem to dissociate myself from people (based on can i trust this person) and feel like I have nothing to offer in conversations. I told my ex-therapist the crap my parents say is what I use as a defense because "that's the only identity I have as I don't have anything else worthwhile." I never knew what constitutes someone having an identity not many people feel I can go above and beyond they equate me like my parents and sneer in my face.

I have no intentions of going back to therapy as I had enough arguing with those lousy mental health professionals. Ex-therapist said I had a lot of deep rooted issues (nah, really?) that needed to be brought onto the surface and a lot of it was painful to mention. A lot of things she didn't know either don't have the life experience (really gotta wonder) or she thinks life is perfect (that's what came across to me).

People say I am too quiet and not vocal enough. I agree I don't like being quiet unless I am suffering from something and need the quiet. I read on the site that it talks about unexplained headaches, yep, get those a lot and at times unexplained pain. It comes from the back of my head wonder if that's the sever in the back I still feel. Anyway, does anybody have any suggestions or tips? It makes it hard when you are not communicating and associating yourself on the job or in your personal life, etc.