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eskielover · May 17, 2014, 10:54 AM

Have been thinking about this a lot lately......I have been going through all the asperger's information I can get my hands on & everything just is 100% explanatory of H's behaviors throughout those bad 33 years of marriage.

It's sad that his behaviors came across to me as abusive.....when in reality....his behavior & lack of ability could show up in such an abusive way......financially & in the lack of emotional closeness. He fought making any changes that would make the marriage better...he would say he was trying but I would SEE NOTHING.

There is NO WAY I could ever go back to a marriage with him....but it's sad that he wasn't capable of being a real partner H.

I would have rather have NEVER married than to have spent those years with him. I'm not sure if it was just aspergers that effected his personality in such a negative way. But I was also confused because he could be so nice in such a naive way & then turn around & be so impossible to live with......it was like living in Hell.....but looking back & realizing that it was most definitely aspergers aspects of his personality that made him so impossible to live with.

Ugh, I wish I'd never been married....life would have been so much better alone as it is NOW. I find such relief being away from him....& yet his behavior & financial irresponsibility still haunt me because I just got to the point where I could get the divorce going again.

Sometimes I wonder if I look like the bad guy because I leave a person who can't take care of himself.....but dealing with him & fighting him was getting to be way too much for me......& looking back, feeling trapped in that marriage was the REAL trigger to my suicide attempts all those years....not laying blame on him....but the being trapped with no way out of the marriage. Now that I have found my freedom....I could NEVER go back to that life....it's hard enough fighting the things that keep hitting me now.

There is only so much tolerance we can have for one person in our life...& even if it's something he really can't change (I was angry at him because I thought he was just being a horrible jerk).....it's still something I can NO LONGER live with.

I believe in marriage in sickness & in health.....but I also found out that he couldn't take care of anything when I was the one who was sick.....he totally destroyed us financially during that time because he couldn't communicate & he couldn't negotiate & he couldn't take care of controlling finances.

Since I left it's become even more obvious that he's incapable of financially taking care of himself.....with an overdrafted checking of $16000+ for over 2 years.....& continuously making bad decisions without discussing it with anyone because if he thinks it in his mind than it's gotta be OK.....& he can't think through more possible solutions at one time.

UGH, I've been going through past emails from & to him.....& I can see just how disconnected from reality his mind really is. & to think I knew this problem existed before I ever got married, I just didn't understand or recognize what I was seeing at the time.

Why OH Why did I ever get married in the first place????

Strange because he wants a divorce so he can clear his debt with bankruptcy......think it's cleared anyway by the passage of more than 10 years.....as long as he doesn't do something stupid (which one never knows with him what he might do). He has always needed someone to take care of him financially. I tried to force him to do it under my supervision when we were married but he continued to insist on getting more & more into debt with spending money he never had (even before we got married....that was another red flag I saw)

Over the years my dislike for him built constantly.....but how can you dislike someone when it's NOT THEIR FAULT their behavior is the way it is????? But I don't like the behavior....I never did & I was going to call off the wedding before it ever happened....but that's what I get for bothering to ever listen to a mother who never knew what wisdom was either.

Dang...if only I had listened to that little inner voice.....life could have been SOOOOO DIFFERENT.

I never cheated during our marriage.....but I always communicated with others outside of the marriage or didn't communicate & didn't realize what I was missing until I left him......I am just starting to see what more NORMAL lives are like.....& I am seeing just how dysfunctional our marriage was & just how abnormal H always was.

I love being single & alone & really have NO DESIRE to have any s/o ever in the future.....if there ever is one they will have to knock me over the head with a baseball bat to get my attention.

I had no friends when I was married & living with him.....now I have many wonderful friends & I am realizing that I wasn't the one who had the abnormal issues in our marriage.

Since aspergers is a spectrum syndrome.....I am sure that there are many that are more functional in marriage than others. It's sad that back in the 50's when he was born that aspergers wasn't even known about & not Dx'ed until 1994.....& his parents did a lot of moving around during his grade school years.....so he never could make close friends if he's been able to....but it also covered up his inability to relate to other kids by providing an excuse for it

His parents commented at my mother's funeral that he needed to sort out his own life & even when I wrote to them about the IRS situation & the fact back in 2008 that he seriously needed support & direction but that I could NO longer be there do to the marriage issues that were taking me to divorce.

I don't like him....but I also don't want to see him destroy himself....I want to see him provided the help that he needs.....& he desperately needs help....but with the negative feelings that have been bred during the marriage....I am definitely NOT the one to provide anything except for pushing in the areas possible from 2100 miles away that I can to get him the help that he needs.