I'm feeling pressure to go to my Mom's gathering to celebrate her 70th birthday.
I don't want to see the family. I cannot deal with these people. I'm feeling good about myself, I'm hardly wearing my black cap anymore, I quit smoking, I'm exercising, I'm caring about myself, I'm reasonably happy with me and my life-even with it's flaws.
I KNOW if I go then I'm going to end up feeling like crap. It's a given. I'm the only one who lives in a crappy neighborhood, the only one who doesn't have kids, never been married, they're all older and bigger than me-I don't just mean chunkier but also-BIGGER- taller and broad shouldered. (My sisters) It bugs me because they like to throw their weight around and they're so loud. And everyone's got to be on "stage" and nothing is real or personal or sincere. It's like Hollywood without the glamour. It's all drama and everyone's got to out "Poor me" the next one. And there's all this backstabbing going on with everyone-especially with my oldest sister, Mom's FAVORITE daughter and of coarse, Mom's right there with her snickering away and it bugs the crap out of me. Um, we're supposed to be a FAMILY! You know, like love and support and stuff like that, Mom?
Besides that, my Mom always brings up the most inappropriate things to talk about. If it was just "Us Kids" it wouldn't be so bad but the husbands and wife are there and my oldest sister's side kick-our cousin. He irks me too. He's loud and nasty and mean. So prejudice and hateful but in a funny way so that makes it okay!!! It's okay to do or say anything as long as you do/say it and it's funny. Hahahahahahahahaha! My Mom gets on my freakin' nerves with this ha-ha-ha, smile even when it hurts bullcrap!!
I'm not even there and I'm already getting tensed up, angry and upset.
BUT my Mom is old and sick and could die and I would feel guilt over not going.
Help!!!!