I know it sounds crazy, but deep down, I associate video games with my former self, and it lies deep into my mental psyche.

As a kid, the greatest enjoyment I got was out of video games, ever since Pokemon came out when I was 8 or so. There was literally nothing I liked more than Pokemon, and for many years to come, I LOVED video games and everything about them. I loved to draw characters, come up with fake storylines, and most importantly, play video games. I suppose they served as a coping mechanism for a lot of troublesome bullies in school, and as an escape mechanism to fuel my imagination.

So video games weren't entirely a waste of time- that's been a research study, that has been done on multiple occasions. Some people even make a career related to video games, especially as something like a computer science major, or even a game designer.

But for me, I really didn't reap any long term benefit from all that time spent gaming, and I feel like I'm suffering for that in my recent years, playing catch up through an excessive amount of reading, and artwork. I often think to myself, perhaps all of that time would have been better spent playing music, drawing, reading, anything that would have proved to be useful.

There are two reasons that ultimately changed my perception of gaming-

1. Girls. At first I was always presenting myself as the "cool" gamer- the guy who was super chill, laid back, wasn't obese, had long flowing hair, etc. But ultimately, I was still a nerd, and I was an avoidant guy who wasn't getting laid. So, perhaps, ending my time with video games stimulated my surge into making myself interesting to girls. Of course, like many college kids, I did this by getting into metal music, drinking booze, and smoking weed. Nowadays, I'm more focused on my studies and career, and making myself smart and interesting to women, ultimately for the same goal though.

2. Career- I need money to live, and video games are a distraction in every sense of the word. I feel like video games took me away from an actual potential calling. I think the final straw that broke this camel's back was applying to a 12 dollar an hour large video gaming store and not receiving the position due to a multitude of corrupt politics. I feel like this shattered and disrupted my inner child far more than you might think- and it questions my very perceptions of games and culture.

So I guess, the question is- how can I come to terms with my past and accept the time I spent playing video games? Did I ultimately leave video gaming culture behind because I was perceiving myself as the worst kind of geek? Why was my time playing games bittersweet? (As both a large soft spot and an utter disgust simultaneously?

On the plus side, video games stimulated my desire to visit Japan, and ultimately, my love of travel....so there's that.