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AmysJourney · May 17, 2014, 05:10 PM

"Day #24

My goal was to get to #30 and I decided today that once I get there, I will stop writing these daily letters. Not because I don't want to any more or because I don't have anything more to share. But because I think I have achieved my goal and it slowly but gradually is time to let go.

But I am not there yet so I will try to fill the letters with whatever comes to mind. Today nothing much comes to mind really, haha. My brain is as tired as my body and I am having a few rather frustrating issues which I would like to share here but I don't know if I can or should.
It really is hard to keep knowing what is right or wrong at this time. And the people around me seem to be as confused by that as me. It becomes harder for them to talk to me because they don't know what to say and it's becoming harder for me to accept that it's hard for them.

This really is a challenge in practicing mercy and grace, because I feel a lot of frustration with myself and with other people and sometimes that causes tension.

I already feel overwhelmed with my whole situation but it makes it harder when, for example, friends get upset that I don't call them back in time or email them.

And the closer it comes to the end, the more people flock around me and are worried and that is stressful and annoying and I want to scream at them to just leave me alone, give me some space, let me be by myself for a while.

And people tell me: "Well, you have to understand they are afraid too, they are worried."
And then, when in my mind I feel like saying "Screw that, this is about me and not them" I get overwhelmed with this guilt feel I am not thankful enough for their care or that I lack understanding for their pain.

So I keep quiet and in this quiet place my frustration rises and makes me want to explode. I am a little afraid of that explosion.

So yeah, some days are just very challenging and today was one of them.

With love,
A"