I have been thinking about my therapist's reaction to a jab I made the other day. I asked to meet her in person sometime in the future (we do online therapy) and then, fearing rejection, withdrew the request. She said we couldn't meet as I'd wished because it would be like creating a dual-relationship, and I told her I thought that us working in tandem on the same website previously and talking shop a lot and our interactions then (there were some significant ones) were a lot closer to a dual-relationship than having one lunch because she had no office space would be. (I wanted to meet her and I suggested lunch and a walk in a garden because I wanted to spend some time with her but knew she did not have an office.)

She said she was appalled I would suggest she'd been unprofessional, though later on the phone when I clarified, she said us interacting around the website we both worked at was the closest she'd ever come to that grey area, so... I guess that was a partial acknowledgement of my point. I for my part told her I wasn't calling her unprofessional, but giving her a hard time because I'd felt upset at the thought of never ever getting to meet her in person.

We mostly worked it out, actually: I told her my feelings and why I wanted to meet her. She then understood it wasn't about being friends, but about cementing our therapeutic relationship, getting to see her in-person, look her in the eye, get a real hug, something solid to hold on to through our therapeutic work. I would be equally happy with an office meeting, and offered to help arrange office space for a session, etc but she wasn't comfortable with the idea of having me rent office space or, I guess, meeting in an unfamiliar office space. (Someone else suggested having her rent a therapy office for an hour from a provider she knows: I love that idea, would be happy to pay a higher fee to cover the cost, but I think she doesn't want to do a session because of a contract agreement w/the website she uses for therapy.) It would be a one-time meeting because of the distance between us.

After discussion and clarification, she said she could definitely understand me wanting to meet her and yes, she would definitely be willing to meet with me... but briefly. It will be something for us to discuss further. She also mentioned, independently, wondering if sending me a video of her would help, because right now I'm missing the fact that I don't get to see her at all during sessions as we meet online. I would love to have something like that, and hope it works out.

Long story short: I realize she's not perfect.
She gets defensive when she feels her professionalism is being questioned. She doesn't have unlimited energy, though she has a lot. She isn't good at managing session limits, she's more the... mothering, always there for me type, which is really good to a point. Luckily, we're both working on discipline, ha.

She's really really wonderful as a therapist, AND she's not perfect.

I just needed to get that in print. To remember that it's not the end of the world for us to have a snag, or for her to not be 100% well rounded and enlightened. She's a deeply experienced therapist who really cares about me. She tries her best, she knows a lot, she listens well, she is committed, she's caring and connected, she's willing to stretch to reach me, and to compromise on fees to see me as needed.

I guess my lesson is that... even with imperfect interactions, relationships can still be good enough. I've had a few where ruptures led to explosions and losing the relationships, so I'm sure this is good experience for me.

It's interesting doing therapy online: my therapist has never had to answer the question before of whether and how to meet a client now that she doesn't have an office and while considering the ethical restrictions of her profession and the restrictions of the terms of service on the therapy site we use.

Anyhow, just had to get this all off my chest.