I was diagnosed with this ****ing disorder by an old fashioned psychiatrist who believed "mental illness" was a result of childhood experiences. After that it stuck. Nobody questioned her, at least directly, because she had tenure. Residents would often tell me that I should get assessed for autism. If this was done, I am certain I would not have had to suffer the way I did.

Why was I diagnosed with this? First I was diagnosed with depression and put on Zoloft which abruptly changed me. I did not originally present as a borderline. No axis II disorders are listed on my first discharge summary. My problems were related to being in boarding school, not having any friends and being bullied. I also really missed my parents. Later on it was explained to me as an adjustment disorder. I am certain I got diagnosed because of my reaction to the Zoloft, the small amount of self-injury I did (I learned this in hospital) and the anger I had because I was bullied. I did not display any other typical BPD behaviors. I only did the self-injury when I was on Zoloft and Paxil, since these two drugs made me suicidal. They impaired my impulse control, something that I did not struggle with previously, nor after I got off them.

At the age of 18, a wacky psychiatrist put me on 60 mg of Prozac, which I reacted to. I later learned I had drug induced mania. When this happened I became acutely psychotic, which was brief, about 1 week. A psychiatrist who met with me about 6 weeks later diagnosed it as brief reactive psychosis and thought I was a survivor of sexual abuse. She added PTSD. Later on I learned she suspected I was autistic and debated about sending me for an assessment.

After that mania I was left with residual psychotic symptoms that lasted about 18 months. I was okay until I turned 25, when I started hallucinating. This experience was very different from what happened when I was 18.

Whenever, I take benzodiazepines, I hear voices, so I avoid the drugs. When I being treated for BPD, psychiatrists gave me lots of clonazepam. This makes me wonder if this caused the residual psychotic symptoms and gave them the impression I had BPD.

BPD implies one has grew up in a dysfunctional home and was abused. The problem with the diagnosis was I being treated for PTSD, which I clearly did not have and was being told I was sexually abused, which I never ever experienced. For example, the doctors misinterpreted my acute senses such as hearing and touch as a sign of hypervigilance.

At first I did not question the abuse theory, because I thought the professionals knew what they were doing. They spoke of recovered memories and so on. It was somewhat convincing. Eventually I realized they were absolutely wrong.

Psychiatrists would often tell me that I was perplexing case. They were not sure what to make of me so they just put BPD in my records because it seemed to best describe my situation.

It was really frustrating. Nobody would listen to me. They just saw BPD. I realized they only way they would listen is if I told them I was suicidal when I wasn't (I regret doing this).

The BPD label affects family. Last year my mother met my psychiatrist and told her the doctors implied she was a bad mother. She wasn't.

The BPD diagnosis traumatized me. I learned psychiatrists don't want to bother with people who have this because they consider them evil and manipulative. Nobody wanted to listen to me after I was told I had it.

Years later I learned it was a misdiagnosis. Nobody thinks I have BPD. I know I don't, but since I don't have a formal diagnosis for what happened to me in my mid twenties, I sometimes wonder (even though I cannot relate to others with BPD). Some psychiatrists think mild psychotic symptoms are a sign of personality disorder.

I know I have an illness. Is it psychotic depression or schizoaffective disorder? I wish I knew. My psychiatrist told me I have an illness on the schizophrenia spectrum but refused to formal diagnosis it because I can attend university (part-time).