The first thing you need to do is STOP being so hard on yourself! You are not a bad friend, not at all. And you are not a nutcase, not even a little. It's quite plain to see, you care for this guy, as more than a friend, but you're trying to only feel as a FRIEND would feel. Well, you can't. It hurts when he talks about his ideal woman because you don't want to hear how he feels about another woman if it's not you. That's normal! You may have to face the fact that you two cannot be friends. Personally, I would find it impossible to be friends with a guy I had more than friends feelings for. Ease up on yourself. If he's confused by your behavior, it's time to be honest. Explain that you like him as more than friends and that you get jealous, even when you wish you didn't.