Hi Everyone, I know this is a long post, but please read and help if you can....

I've never posted in PTSD before, but I decided to venture out of my "survivors of abuse," "creative corner," and "self-injury" hiding places.

I'm pretty sure I don't have flashbacks, but I do get triggered and experience similar feelings to when I was a child. For instance, earlier this summer, I saw a kid get hit and it happened in the very same room that I used to get hit in. I felt all the feelings I used to feel back then, and I felt like a helpless child. I didn't have a flashback in which I was actually literally reliving the experience of being hit, but I did have the same emotional response. That kept me VERY jumpy for a quite a while after, because I had suppressed a LOT of those feelings for a long time, so when they resurfaced, I didn't know how to deal with them. Especially the fear. I ended up cutting myself after two years with no si. When I went into therapy the next time, I was talking to my T about the experience of getting hit and suddenly in my mind I saw her get up and come over and start hurting me, just like my dad did. I did NOT know this time that it wasn't real. When it ended and I realized she was still in her chair and I had not been hit, I was totally confused and very embarassed!

I also have been dealing with being neglected. Those feelings have been coming up in the past few weeks. When this happens, I have feelings as though I was still a little girl and I cry for my mom. Again, though, I'm fully aware that I am not actually a little girl. I know where I am and what is really going on, but I feel emotionally like I did back then.

I dissociate like crazy. Difficult feelings often get shut off before I even realize I'm doing it again. I haven't gained the ability to stay grounded, nor am I able to follow certain feelings at will- no matter how much I try. I just go numb.

I still experience a LOT of childhood feelings that have been suppressed for years, or have found other expressions. I've been getting closer to working on my childhood neglect and abuse, but I have a long way to go. I still feel guilty even saying that I was abused or neglected. And I feel VERY ashamed talking about being neglected. I feel like it was my fault because I'm not good enough and not lovable. It's also very embarassing to me to talk about what things were like in our home. We kept a lot of secrets very well, and it's hard for me to expose them all now, no matter how much trust I gain in my T over time.

In terms of body memories, I'm not sure I understand what those are. I know that survivors of abuse tend to have certain physical ailments in common. One of those is frequent stomach aches. I have had stomach problems from the time I was a small child. Doctors have had a lot of trouble finding anything actually wrong with me, and some thought I was faking. All I knew was that I could hardly digest anything and would spit up after most meals. Finally, I was recently diagnosed with acid reflux disorder and it was discovered that I have a severely erroded and ulcerated esophagus. I think it probably has a LOT to do with being neglected as a kid, because our house was filthy and our food was... well, scary. Our kitchen was just disgusting. And it probably has to do with living in an abusive and hostile home as well, being afraid a lot and feeling helpless and trapped and alone. All of those feelings stir in my stomach and make me feel ill. Do you think my stomach problems are a body memory? For those of you who have experienced body memories, if you don't mind, would you share your experiences?

I think I've rambled on enough now. Sorry this post is so long. I can't say anymore anyway, because now I'm feeling guilty, sad, and sick.

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-