I know I'm late to the convo here, but I am in a very similar position. I am a special ed teacher and I have seriously emotionally disturbed kids. I love working there but some days the kids are so challenging I can't handle it. And I get jealous because the kids just flip out when they've had too much (throwing chairs/desks, cursing at me, calling me every name in the book) but I can't do that and I want to some days if my mood dictates it. Two psychiatrists have told me I should not be functioning at work because of the severity of my condition. My main pdoc has said the same thing Bpnurse said - take leave or be hospitalized. I "chose" hospital believe it or not. Basically I refused to take leave and she called the cops to take me against my will ( I signed a voluntary order after I realized I would not get my way).

This last time I agreed only because I was so paranoid I was terrified to leave the house and was making dangerous driving moves because I felt everyone wAs trying to hurt me. Spent six days inpatient and went back to work the day after I got out. My pdoc said I'm not giving myself a chance to recover.

But financially I am not in a place to take leave. My husband just came clean to me about his opiate addiction. He has had to quit his job because it was too triggering for him and he would have used. He's only two weeks clean. I took a week off while he was in detox but I had to go back. We can't both be out of work.

Over the weekend I have felt much more stable. Still a tiny bit hypo and very severe anxiety. I am Afraid my job is causing this instability. My bipolar was mild for six years. I didn't need medication. I didn't get manic (just hypo) I didn't have mixed episodes, I didn't have psychosis. All of this bull butter started when I got this job.

So I have no advice, just wanted to tell you I understand. I'm in a similar quandary.